Christmas bacon on a solar oven

Solar oven, bacon, Christmas. Which one of the three does not go together? Let me give you a hint. Yuletide Carols aren't sung anywhere near a box cooking bacon. Yep that's right, I have a lab assignment to make a solar oven and cook three different things (Merry Christmas!!). For those of you who don't know, a solar oven is... well just what it sounds like. There are many ways to make a solar oven; pizza box, cardboard box, shoe box, or if you're me a big boot box so that the frying pan can fit nicely in there... Exhale... Needless to say that the solar oven did not cook my bacon. I started by testing the temperature in the box. First ten minutes 29 degrees Celcius, 20 minutes 32 degrees, and 35 47 degrees. You'd think the box is definitely working but an hour and 15 minutes later, the bacon was just slightly crisp on the outermost layer. As the student I am I proceeded to Google cooking food at 47 degrees Celsius to find that this food was part of the raw food diet. Exhausted and chasing the sun around my little apartment, I finally gave up on the bacon (let alone cook an egg or boil some water). I started to feel bad leaving my box with bacon on the front yard while people walked around with small dogs or cats wandered nearby. I had to consult with a top engineer who proceeds to tell me that if I don't like my solar oven I need to consult with its manufacturer... Something about the saran wrap not being tight enough, my box being too big, the cardboard not thick enough, blah, blah, blah....Bygones... Unfortunately this too is how my lab assignment sounded. A whole lot of incoherent mumbling that I madly scribbled on my desire to just be done and to finally be able to do something Christmas worthy!!! So moral of the day... make sure you don't have a solar oven due on Christmas cuz I'll be damned if I say to not procrastinate like me.. It's freakin Christmas week man!! (Oh and it might also be nice to sweet talk any engineer you have around ;))

Highs and Lows

I remember watching a movie one night in which the family made a routine of eating dinner together. The family was less than perfect, actually the movie depicted the struggle of two married people who were trying to understand why they were still together. In this daily ritual, each family member; son, daughter, mom and dad would say their highs and lows; the best part of their day, followed by the worst. I remember watching that and thinking that's something that's rather simple but so overlooked and important! I'm not an intrusive person by nature, the last relationship I was in was one where I was learning new things weekly. I never sat down with a list of 20 questions. I knew I enjoyed the man's company, that I respected who he was and how he became who he was but I never felt the need to repeat the Spanish Inquisition. Somehow however, the simple ritual in this movie struck me as wonderful. How do you get to know just enough about your children in their adolescence (in those years that they want to be as far away from family time as possible) without feeling as if you're prying? How do you inquire into your husbands day without seeming as if you need to know everything or you don't trust him?

There's a lot that can said in knowing someone's highs and lows. I have come to realize that often times when getting to know men, it's what they don't say and what they do that really expresses their truth. As such, knowing that the best part of my day today was helping a student figure out a problem, shows that I find achievement in establishing order in something that's chaotic. Knowing that the worst part of my day was sitting at my desk for three hours non-stop reviewing graduation applications means that I get bored with repetitive tasks and I thrive on a moderate amount of change. Knowing all my highs and lows help someone really know me. And my desire to know yours, means I value you and have a desire to really know you as well.

Thanks giving...

Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday!! Not only do you get to share yummy food with people you love but you get to be "thankful" (which can be such a novel thought considering how materialistic our society is). Honestly there's just something about the act of celebrating the smallest of our blessings that, for me, makes this holiday outshine Christmas. No kids getting upset about what they did and did not get. No guilt or pressure when it comes to gift buying. Just fellowship and hopefully, if you're lucky, no drama. :) A couple of years back I started my thanksgiving ritual of texting my friends and telling them what I was thankful for. I.e. Buffy I'm thankful for your caring spirit, Nikki you're giving spirit, and Karem your ability to always see the best in me! I'm looking forward again to acknowledging my many blessings. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. Take some time to appreciate your many blessings..

the down low

I don't know what it is but it seems the last few weeks the subject of the down low keeps popping up around me. For those of you who are unaware the down low is used to describe men that have wives but live these secret lives with men. These men, in essence, pretend to be living the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, minivan life but on the sidelines are having unprotected sex with other men.

First Oprah, then Oprah again, then Private Practice. I'm sorry ya'll but that mess scares me!!! As much as I am a proponent for honesty and integrity, I am also not a fool to imagine that every man having a relationship is up front about everything. If I believed in the fairy tale ending I wouldn't be living in the 21st century. The fact is there's a reason why half of marriages are now ending in divorce. My guess, a lack of openness. I would go on to say that this lack of openness includes a lot of dishonesty by omission (yes ya'll there is such a thing)!

So what does this mean for us women? For women in a day and age where most of the time we have to date men that have one foot in and the other out the door and are daily teetering on either side of that line? You know that world: where you don't get a "confirmation" on a Saturday night date til Saturday morning (because you know he's waiting to see if anything "better" comes along-- as if!!).

To me this puts us in a place where we have to be the hard ones. The woman that gets labeled a control freak, rigid, unspontaneous and boring because we're strapping up past our 40th wedding anniversary. I am one to trust a man but with the import of the down low into modern society, should my desire to trust cost the health of my life?

I just don't understand. Why don't people want to live a life of honesty? Isn't that much easier. In this last few months I've had to hear some things that weren't easy to hear and that stung a little but in hindsight I wouldn't take it back for anything. I believe that some men in relationships make that assumption that a women is too weak, too full of drama, or too emotional to hear the truth. This is the biggest misconception of women that there is. First because we're adults now, we have to learn to face the fact that sometimes things are hard to hear but need to be heard. Second, telling someone the truth shows you respect them and respect is the one thing people want most; it's the ultimate gift. Third, because if you fail to tell a woman the truth the end result is just going to be the drama you were trying to prevent in the first place. In other words, save yourself some money on some slashed tires and speak up...

The life of a down low man is ugly. It's full of secrets and lies and it's dangerous to the woman who wants to trust and stand by her man. The whole culture makes ALL women cautious and suspitious. If I piece it apart the bottom line (from my perception) is that this world is still biased and closed. When we can all live in a society where we can be accepted for our differences, we will have less opportunity for deception and more for us (men in this case) to be ourselves without fear of discrimination.

Commitment, Wants, & Needs

I’ve grown up with remarkable parents, their relationship has always inspired me. When my dad wanted to pursue his artistic abilities, my mom stood by his side. Supportive, although many might’ve said a degree in theater when you have three small children is a bit of a risk. When he had a sudden career loss, she stepped up and took some of the weight on herself. If they’ve taught me anything through example it’s that when you love someone, you’re there. Through good and bad, highs and low, love outlasts and outweighs all.

It’s weird to say but this all encompassing commitment to another paralyzed me growing up. I think subconsciously I wondered how I could give so much of myself without really knowing myself. I think I always knew that once I was in it, I’d be in it. Once I was in a relationship I would commit myself, mind, body, and soul. I’d commit my will and all my might. So like the student I am, I made a journey to find myself: What was it that mattered most to me, what made me "me"?

A friend of mine recently brought up a list that women make. The list that describes all the things you want in a partner. My journey created my list. She went on to say that once you find all that you become truly present. I realize now that I never thought that list was truly possible to find. Surprisingly one day when I wasn’t looking, he smiled down on me. It’s a wonderful feeling. Being present with someone, feeling you get them and that they might get you back. When I looked at him, my soul smiled; still does. It’s at peace and it’s happy.

And as I always knew I’d do, I committed. My heart, my soul, my everything. I gave so much of myself I forgot to ask myself one rather large question… “This is what I want, but what is it that I need”. I just gave, and I was present, available and happy but not thinking of me. I tried to figure out how I could be committed to someone and want to be with them but not feel like my needs were being met. Was I failing at standing by my man?? I finally realized I hadn't been willing to make myself as healthy as I realize I was trying to make sure he was.

I’ve come to realize that knowing yourself is a process that is never ending. It’s a constant work of progress. You feel like you’ve conquered the first level and the second appears. You take care of that and then you reach the next. With me it was: who are you, what matters to you, what is it you want, and finally, is what you want aligned with what you truly need.

The thing about LOVE is that when it’s real, it makes sure that wants and needs align. That smile looks at you and says "here's the thing, you and me, we want each other no question, but our needs are different". The Bible calls love patient, kind, not self seeking.. I've learned that love is agreeing to do the healthy thing and let each other seek out those needs.. Love is allowing each other to fly free and find healing and happiness... As they say if it's meant to be, it'll be.. If it's not, as India.Arie The Truth says "I'm glad I knew him at all..."

The list

I found this list I wrote a few days ago. Reading it made my insides flutter but midway through peacefully settle. Pure beauty...

1. your smile
2. your carefree spirit
3. your strong sense of self
4. your love and commitment to your son
5. your drive and motivation
6. your ability to listen
7. how you care
8. how you take care of me
9. how you make me look at myself
10. how you believe in me
11. how you treat me with respect
12. your love of children
13. your strong value of family
14. your sex appeal
15. your gentlemanly virtues
16. your ability to apologize
17. your commitment to your health
18. the way you show affection
19. your soft kisses
20. your intellect
21. your sense of humor

The Jone$es

So I rented this movie thinking.. oh Demi Moore, she hasn't been in anything in a hot minute.. Was it great? Let's just say it got a B/C rating. But it is definitely an interesting concept. The movie is about a family, or rather four salespeople pretending to be a family. Their reason: to sell the hottest and latest protects to their unsuspecting neighbors or schoolmates. My first thought, really weird..

But then I started thinking, how many people have I met that are all about what they have. Their lives revolve around buying the "newest" products. I personally have always felt that the need to "brag" is more or less a way to compensate for a lack of something. A lack of confidence, a lack of intelligence, a lack of much of a life really.

What I'm saying is that I'm tired of people (especially men I've dated) trying to live like the Joneses. They pretend to have this endless stream of cash and spend, spend, spend for a gadget that nobody will care about come 6 months. I just don't get it.

My perspective.. F**K it, give me the cheap brand, give me the extra cash to go fly out of the country somewhere. A beach, Europe, something that will have a residual effect of longer than a five minute fad!

Better to have loved and lost or

They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. That's an interesting statement.. One that I've often discussed with friends who's opinions lie on both ends of the spectrum.. I at one time found myself torn...

I know so many people who bemoan their singleness. They say it's awful, lonely, boring, difficult. The search for that special person is a full time job that nobody wants to venture into. Sure the beginning stages are great. You get those butterflies that come with the "newness" of the relationship. You spend hours on the phone finding out each others personalities, similarities, differences, values, joys, sorrows. You get to absorb into each other. But once this stage wears off what happens next? If you're lucky you continue on your high (granted a more level one). If not, what most find, is that right around the 3 month mark people begin to change. It's like they put their best foot forward and now the true quirks and personalities flaws come shining through. You spend those next 3 months finding out the true or shall we say "whole" picture.

On the other hand you have those other people. You know the ones who are actually in relationships. Now again, you may have those rare few that proclaim they have a dream come true in their significant other. The rest of this population however, spend time complaining, "Man this is work", "This fool doesn't appreciate anything", "You can't live with them, can't shoot them". This group honestly love their partner but can't seem to figure out how to maintain a healthy balance. Maybe they still struggle to figure that balance out, or maybe they are struggling to satisfy both partner's needs. Sometimes it seems the confusion and work is not worth the effort.

Better to have loved and lost... The reality is do you choose to be alone and lonely or to risk your heart and commit yourself to the hard work a good relationship requires. It seems like the answer would be simple but for those who have opened themselves up and been hurt, its not..

Than to never have loved at all... Love, I believe, is what makes the world go around. Life is much brighter, much more enjoyable, much more exciting when you have someone there by your side. To motivate you, inspire you, believe in you, remind you to take in the small things, share your experiences, validate your life.

I've been on both ends. I've been the single one. Dating tirelessly and being disillusioned time and time again. Enthralled but exhausted with the "game" that seems to be commonplace in this day and age. I've also been in the relationship. Happy and content and yet struggling to make it all make sense.

What I've come to find out is that love is wonderful, loss is painful, but the journey makes it all worth while. If you're smart, as I believe myself to be, you take both and you learn. You take the great of the love and you make mental notes about what made it so great. You then take the pain of the loss and you find a way to make it a lesson learned (whether small or large). You find a way to develop your own balance so that the pain doesn't hinder your ability to love again and the love allows you the ability to believe in wonderful possibilities and ultimate and complete happiness!!

trust and growth

In the past week I've had three of my girls break down and analyze "trust". Dating and love is hard. Even the best of relatiionships are hard. The more you open up the more there's room for vulnerability to creep in. The truth of the matter is that most in their lives have been exposed to some element of dishonesty from someone. Whether it was a parent, lover or friend. Being in a situation of dishonesty is world changing......

I think our past often define us. We live our lives guarded against our weakest (blind) spots. We unknowingly blame the new guy for past hurts. It's natural and it's hard to break the cycle. I've found for me that the trick is being very observant of the new person. What he says, does, how he shows respect and love. You have to let that guide you.

Our weakness is always there. We have to know ourselves and get past that fear. That's really the only way to open ourselves up and get to something better, something happier, and something sturdy.

I think about all the women out there who've been dogged and now close themselves off and I'm saddened. Or other women who had no positive male role models and now open themselves up too much. Sometimes I think of then men who are in similar situtions, dogged by fathers with no strong role models.

I know my perspective by some might sound naive but how's life worth living if you view the world through other glasses. No the world may not always be rose colored but there are a lot of beautiful elements, beautiful things to learn and share. I've always thought that the beauty of life is better reflected in a shared experience. Having someone to be there to not only validate your life but to help nurture and feed it.

My current Chapter is... judgements

I sat in my afternoon yoga class and the assignment was to journal. She asked us to think about what the name of our book would be called (little did she know this has been on my mind for months), then to think about the name of the current chapter in our book. Would there be a subtitle??

The first thing that came to mind was judgements. I had one of my proudest moments recently when my little sister said to me that I was fun to hang out with and to confide in. "She has not a judgemental or mean bone in her body!" she facebooked.

I try to live my life that way. It's easier for me to be happy and to function if I let everyone's decisions be confined to their own reasonings. I've found that life is too challenging and complex to spend time inserting my own beliefs or understandings on why other people do what they do.

Seriously. I think my sanity comes from looking at other people's life and living by my mom's favorite phrase of "whatever floats your boat".

Think about it through this example, you know your friend is being cheated on. You quickly make a judgement about her because she takes the man back. What is the likely outcome to that judgement: A. She responds and drops his ass. B. She gets defensive and drops your ass. C. She stays with the guy and your relationship becomes strained because of your words. My experience has been that 9 times out of ten the answer will be either B or C. And the reality is there may be a lot of variables you don't know about. I.e. they could have an open relationship, she cheated on him last week, one of them doesn't enjoy sex so the other one can cheat.. The list goes on and on.

Growing up I was never the social one so I didn't often have the problem of getting into everyone's business. I stood on the sidelines. I read and I learned. I let other people's lives teach me what to do and what not to do. It's not hard to see why I ended up studying human communication. Humans and their behaviors fascinate me.

I'll pick on my sister here. I've always been puzzled with why she can go to a spot and always pick out the one or two people that are looking at her cross. Never in my life have I noticed the same!! If we pick apart the possible reasons for this "cold" look we come up with the following: Jealousy, Drunken stupor, Admiration, etc. Why make an assumption when it's just going to stir you up and cause a possible negative reaction. The truth is that some people were not shown proper public ettiquette. Who are they to have some power over your life? Know those facts and move on. Don't spend another moment caring or even thinking about them.

Here's the tough example: relationships. Many of you know my stance on this. I will never say that it is easy to end a relationship. I have been through some that have left me speechless and feeling like there's a huge hole in my heart. I can get mad, I can call the man every name in the book (and sometimes yes he deserves it), I can go out looking like a damn fool, but for what.

My reality has always been this. If you know yourself and you know that you've behaved with dignity and class, why should anything else matter. There are always going to be a multitude of reasons for why people break up. A. Maybe one partner wasn't mature enough B. One had too much residual relationship damage. C. Timing was just bad.. With all those variables in the air, what can you possibly do but to move on with your head held high. Turning it over and over again in your head wont make you feel better when most likely it can be summed up in A, B, or C. The underlying truth is the person didn't see your great worth and it's their loss.

I remember once learning in a psychology class that people can not be changed by any hand other than their own. Think about it that way. You're two pieces of a larger puzzle, and you just don't fit. You can't cheat the puzzle and make it conform. You have to move on knowing the right piece will be out there and you'll soon find it.

Making judgements about another's life is difficult. Think about it when you know how it feels to have others judge you. I'm proud to have friends I love and respect. Sometimes their decisions puzzle me. Sometimes I may take them, chew them on for size, and think about how I'd respond in that situation. If the friend asks, I share that advice but if not, I allow myself to be a place to bounce ideas off of. You can't force someone to do as you do. You have to let them learn and do their own growing. They've had a different life and their reality might be a lot different than yours. The only thing you can do is be there and be supportive...

A world of definitions

As far back as I have memories I can remember my life always being full of foresight and openess. My sister was young, maybe 14 when she met a guy at a concert. It was an outdoor concert and I remember following her coat tails when she met up with and flirted with a guy who lived in Phoenix. Phoenix now is as unintimidating as a city comes, but back then it was a world of mystery. A world of danger as my parents would make it seem, since we were forbidden to cross the barrier from Tempe. This Phoenix guy was dreamy, tall, light skinned, bald. I remember back then it was the thing to date someone who was outside of the circle. Someone, who in all honestly, you didn’t date, at least by today’s definition. Dating then entailed talking for hours on the phone, about basically nothing, under the covers in your pitch black room and falling asleep hours later to the sound of each other’s breathing. My sister was young, saw the guy once and weeks later, had their first long distance argument. I remember being in the vicinity, probably listening at the door to my sister’s every move, and trying to be cool as I tried to empathize with her. At one point I recall taking the phone, talking to her boyfriend and coming up with an idea. The directions were this “Each of you take a piece of paper and write down all the things that annoy you about each other. For everything that annoys you write something that you like about each other. After you’re done, read the list to each other”… Brilliant I know. Even at a young age I realized this true reality of life. Your world was about defining the big and little things. It’s about defining what matters and most importantly it was about defining your definitions.

I still see the world that way. I still am constantly picking apart the pieces of my friend's relationships, giving them reflection. Giving them the steps they need to step outside themselves and absorb the truth of the matter. To find out which conversations they're having and which ones they're not. I never understand why people compare themselves to others, why the get upset when faced by another relationship. I remember once having a conversation with a boyfriend and saying, the thing is “I believe in making our own definitions. What you and I define as being boyfriend and girlfriend needs to come with our joint efforts and earnest communication. I can’t expect you to know and you can’t expect me to know. I can’t expect all these things of you without expressing that I need those things”…

I remember once I was online reading a personal when a guy said in the most rhythmic and poetic of words that his solemn promise was “that I will never place you in a box”. He went on to say that he would never judge, make assumptions, or make her into something he subconsciously wanted. This to me was true beauty, in that he was giving the woman freedom to be. To be herself, to become who she was really meant to be, no boundaries, just promise of faithful and steadfast commitment.

Traditional definitions to me are very scary, people in 2010 still in large part see their happily ever after in nuclear shells of a former world. Husband, wife, and 2.5 kids. The father at work, the mother at home, and the children obedient. Is that definition wrong, absolutely not. What’s wrong I believe is when the world at large, uses that example to judge other’s lives. Case in point, the other day I was out and I came across two people who seemed to know me in a former life. One walks up to me, lifts my hand and begins to speak ill towards men and their blindness. “How do you fail to see a treasure right in front of you”, he asked? The second of the two goes on and on about how her son has FINALLY found the one and how it was going to happen soon. I won’t go into how long the two have been dating (ummm.. six weeks) or go into details about why she said to me ‘it’ll happen to you too” without me so much as giving a word on my current relationship…

I wonder about these definitions and I think long and hard about mine. As a kid, as a maturing young woman, and now as an adult. Do I have all the answers?? Definitely not. But remembering my dreams I always lived with the image of having an honest and reflective relationship. One where I felt comfort, an honest respect for the other person, a humor about life, a strong sense of self, an exchange of intellect, a deep understanding of each others goals, values, and character and a spirit of honesty. All virtues that to this day are what matter most. Kids, they never emerged, a white picket fence, not there. Dreams change I realize and I suppose mine can one day too, but I wish I could be respected for my definition, whatever it is. No judgement, no sorrow, no fears for my ultimate happiness. I want to be promised to be kept outside a box.. I want the freedom to be loved for myself, and my own world of definitions..

I’m a leaky faucet

“You said she’s your heart” the minister says obviously touched, and I blink quickly as my gaze glosses over.

“She’s my niece” a close family friend says to one of my coworkers.

A guy sees a rainbow after a difficult break-up and is instantly calmed by this sign. One his mother, on her dying bed, proclaimed to be a symbol of her future presence.

I’m watching the show “What will you do?” and they set up a situation in which the store owner discriminates against a Muslim, refusing the young woman service. A man politely addresses the owner, bravely attempting to teach the man and show his disappointment. He goes on to give a touching story of patience and respect and again my eyes burn.

When you’re emotional, people don’t know how to react. “Snap out of it”, they might bark! A laugh and sarcastic reply is also common. I’ve tried to figure out why drops fall when I watch Lifetime tv or hairs stand up in the back of my neck when I see some sort of injustice.

I read today that Jada Pincket Smith said that your life should be lived like a work of art. Translation of this, for me, means that you have to live a life that represents you. A life that if you had kids you would be proud of (don’t ask me why but for some this marks a decision as to act, like they can’t be moved to ethical behavior without setting an example for a miniature version of themselves). In my life it includes caring for and being there for those who have been constant friends. It means appreciating those same friends, appreciating the simple things AND the big miracles of life. It means standing up for injustice and validating my biggest values by my actions. Most importantly it is being able to stare at myself in the mirror each morning and night. This to me, is a beautiful thing. And beauty, I’ve come to learn, brings emotion!

It's just another day

It's just another day, I get up, walk the dog, take a bath, get dressed, eat breakfast, get in the car.

As I walk outside I hear the birds in song, smell the flowers in bloom, hear the children at play. Things that normally would pass my attention.

I walk into work, smile, laugh, pass the day away with a feeling of inner calm.

I get off work, stop by the store, run more errands, feel the sun warm the surface of my face as I walk down the street.

I get home, change into my p.j.s, grab some chai tea, relax into my comfy couch.

It's just another day, but it's not, because today was the day you came into the world..

It's just another day, but somehow it's not ordinary, because you make every thing brighter..

It's just another day...

I haven't had a lot of relationships...

I haven't had a lot of relationships. The first boy I ever kissed, kissed me in the middle of the mall while I was mid thought. He pulled out my chair, I walked around him and pulled out my own. Next kiss happened 7 years later at 21. I was flirting and all of a sudden somehow ended up making out in a dark room. I don't remember much how that happened. In between I had one date. It was earlier in my 21st year and one night he went out to wash his car. He offered to wash mine but it was 9pm, too late to be out on a school night.

The first guy I had a relationship with was my second kiss. The second was a guy who had to blow into a device to get his car to start. The next of the dating pool weren't one in a million. A wanna-be celebrity, a wanna-be writer, a wanna-be pimp, a wanna-be man's man, a wanna-be comedian; a whole lot of wanna-bes, a whole lack of really-be. I remember one taking me to the hood where he lived, into the house to find five people sitting AA style in the front room, nothing in the room but lawn chairs and a fish tank with a smelly snake.

I've had some men come calling with a tool belt when needed, some make me laugh when the only thing I want to do was cry. Some make me realize what true chivelry is, what real integrity is, what a real man is. I've found one who has gotten me, one who've I've gotten, one who wants to know, one who I want to know, one who understands me better than I understand myself.

From each, I've changed. I've hurt a little, healed a little, hated a little, loved a little, regressed a little, matured a little.

Over the years there's been a lot of bumps in the road. Some great detours, some spectacular views, some dangerous and stupid trails, some humorous, some scary, some huge, some small. I've been on many roads. I've come to the realization that the best one was the one I directed myself. I haven't had a lot of relationships but I know this, once I figured out my road, my path, mySELF, that's when the best was waiting to tackle the road with me...

En * dor * phins

-noun


Endorphins… lol.. got to love the endorphins. Maybe it’s something about the word that thrills me. Maybe it’s the sensual, ris-kay thoughts that it arouses. There’s just something hypnotizing to me about living your life in pursuit of pleasure. Enjoying the highs, feeling as if the blood is running through your veins! Being bold enough to risk possible vulnerability, standing firm in what drives you toward satisfaction.

The dictionary's definition of an endorphin is a group of hormones that are released in the brain. When released, endorphins release a feel-good feeling. A feeling that increase the body's threshold for pain and give a chemical reaction similiar to morphine!

My definition:


1. A soft, savory kiss with my man.
2. Being wrapped up in the troughs of passion, candles lit, shadowy soft lighting
3. Walking around naked. Confident in my skin and celebrating my beauty (extra curves, rolls and all).
4. A nice big chunk of… smooth chocolat!
5. Deep, gut wrenching laughter.
6. Witnessing real love, a man and a woman making a commitment to battle all the ups and downs
7. Hitting the nail on the head when I pen my emotions. Writing is truly healing.
8. A nice intense work-out. Where I’m in the zone, experiencing a “runner’s high”.
9. Becoming a woman of integrity, a person who lives with her convictions, and can continue to learn from life, others, and her mistakes.
10. A hike taken in nature!

I think it's important to find your endorphins! Don't overlook or forget your pleasure, your sensualities, your opportunities for release!!

So tell me, whats your morphine? What are your endorphins??

20 things I wish I would've known at 20...

The thing about being a Libra, and a middle child for that matter, is that you are molded to balance. You balance your life with work, you balance your friends with family, in essence your world is a balance and you feel a responsibility to have the right balance. I think God has a sense of humor when he created me. I can’t get through a week without wondering how many times a day or week I’ll be able to take my dog for a walk, or exercise myself, or see the man, or see my folks. My balanced self, made sure that my college life was accomplished in four years with exactly 120 credits, the minimum needed. My balanced self, has to make sure that each and every niece/nephew gets equal time and attention. My balanced self sees the good and bad in all people and situations. My balanced self, got a damn degree in communication for goodness sake! As such I guess it goes without saying that many people are amused by my balanced self and my balanced insights on relationships, in particular mine and my learning experiences.

My best friend Karem keeps telling me I need to blog and share my wisdom with the world (like they care??). Good meaning though she is, I ignored her attempt at flattery and went about my business. Not long afterwards I was browsing the yahoo relationship section and I came across a piece that an amateur writer had penned listing the top 20 things she wished she would’ve known by 20. Of course this list, weak as I believe it was, propelled me to my own list. Over my measly decade of dating, I began to wonder, “What are my biggest lessons? What would I share with a clueless friend, or a dear niece, or a future daughter?”. My balanced self, of course, could not miss the opportunity to highlight what has helped me find love, happiness, and of course “balance”. So without further ado, and in no particular order:

1. Everyone has insecurity. Some people choose to beat themselves to death with them. Fact is both men and women have flaws. You have to learn to accept what you can, fix what you can’t and understand nothing and nobody’s perfect.

2. Nobody starts out their lives thinking,” damn.. I know it all! I’m that smart!” The measure of true success is growing with your relationships. You learn from your mistakes. Take a second, figure out what went wrong, and find a way to move on.

3. Know yourself before you get to the point where you want to commit your life to someone. The fact is that everyone wants love. They want the happily ever after. If you don’t value yourself, and know what it is you are about and what you want, you will mold yourself to your partner. You will do what they do and be what you think they want and there’s no room for you. Find someone who values you and doesn’t mind disagreeing.

4. Listen to his stories. Learn what matters to him. Make sure he listens to yours. If he's not interested in hearing yours, he's not interested in the real you.

5. Don’t feel you have to do everything with him. Time apart is good. You have time to miss someone! Missing your man brings heat to the relationship. You value someone even more.

6. Trust. That one word sums it up but I will add this, relationships are about risk, so risk! That’s the only way you’ll find true love. Don’t regret trusting!

7. Pay attention. You can tell early on if a man is controlling, dangerous, manipulative, or a liar. There are signs people! It’s in their words (stories) but mostly it’s in their actions. How does he treat you from day to day? Does he open the door one minute and 2 hours later, lets it close in your face?? That’s a sign people!! Make sure he does not define you.

8. Define your OWN relationship with your partner. Don’t look at others and envy them. The world has changed since our parents time. Relationships do not start or succeed how they once did. You need to discuss, big and little things! Find out what’s important to each of you. Create a top ten do and a top ten don’t list (you don’t have to put it on the fridge, just take mental notes). This will come in handy.

9. Realize that there is no perfect. You might have someone who may be perfect for you but that does not mean that your relationship will be perfect. Relationships are about two people from completely different histories and world views trying to merge. There’s going to be conflict. Don’t let it get you down. Figure out your way to work through it.

10. When you argue about something, discuss it. Have a session, however long it takes. Then let the subject drop. It is not fair to either of you to hash the same issue over and over again. And it is okay to walk away. You don’t have to solve something right away every time. Sometimes you need to go somewhere alone and reevaluate. Whatever you do, do not name call and do not say something in anger you can’t take back.

11. Do not hold your tongue too long. If you do, it’ll lead you to resentments and that will lead to an explosive argument that may be too far gone and too complicated to tackle.

12. Never start a conversation with “we need to talk”. Bring up tough conversations at comfortable times and in a light manner. Your partner will be more receptive then.

13. Make sure you tell someone how you feel about them. The opportunity might not always be there. They may not know or they may not be around long. Have no regrets!

14. Don’t take it personal. When things don’t work out it can be for a lot of reasons. A, timing. B, maturity. C, work. The list goes on and on. You have to realize what your mistakes are but don’t be so wrapped up in someone you feel like you’ve died. Sometimes things are out of your control. It doesn’t mean you were blinded to his flaws or that he was a bad person. Just means it didn’t work. Remember we’re blending wants, desires, full lives. That’s tough!

15. Don’t get bogged down with the physical. Physical changes. In 20 years they’ll be fatter and grumpier, go with someone who fulfills the most aspects of your life and personality. Itis okay to have a wish list, just be realistic.

16. Let him have his friends and that bonding time. Have your friends and your bonding time. Set up rules about how you feel about opposite sex friends. Realize that some women were in his life before you and they somehow shaped who he is. If you can’t trust him around women, you will be paranoid and not happy.

17. Number one trait he should have is integrity. Everything else will align with that virtue. A man of integrity cares about his name. He will do whatever’s in his power to protect and nurture it. Honesty is of utmost importance.

18. Make sure you laugh together. That’s what will get you through the day and will bring about the most amazing memories!

19. Have fun. Focus on the good. Keep things fresh, keep things new. Don’t forget why you’re together. Be romantic!!

20. If you love someone, there is no perfect timing, you have to make room for that person in your life. Whatever it takes. Life is too bad and too good to be alone. The beauty of relationship is having a witness to all the good and bad.

I love you mommy, I sobbed through tears!

For anyone who knows me, I absolutely HATE Mother's Day! Now don't get me wrong, love my mom, respect all the mothers out there, but any childless woman past the age of 25 knows that on Mother's Days the questions/statements start rollin..

When is it your turn?
Are you and your man contemplating?
This is the LAST year I'm buying you a gift without you being a mom. You better be knocked up next year (thanks titi, love ya too!!)
Maybe you should consider adoption?
You're like a 2nd mom to the kids

Or worse yet is the big production of your 8 neices/nephews who march single-file line to deliver a card and a gift! Each name perfectly spelled out in the sweetest card, or scribbled in the earnest of efforts!!!.. Ok that is just painstakingly precious, but when you are an emotional waterfall like me when it comes to all things family and you break out in tears, you'd understand why that would simultaneously be like slow burning torture!

Sweet, loving, kind, generous ALL of it! (And definitely the brain child of my mother). Let's now add the words horrible, annoying, confusing, embarassing, and talk about pressure!!

So needless to say this year I was quite happy to be out of town in Dallas for most of the day. When I arrived back at noon I honestly contemplated pretending my flight got delayed a few hours. But like the responsible and dutiful daughter I am, I promptly called to find out the agenda.

Dragging my feet I drove to my mother's. So disillusioned that I forgot the gift and had to go back home. I drove, telling myself I would stop by Walgreens and pick up a card. However mind still mentally preparing, I completely overlooked it...

Cut to yesterday, May 12th.. Feeling bad and like I had been completely unspirited I called my mom.

"What you doing?" I asked shyly.
"Just watching tv and cooking" she says.
"Oh, how was your day?" I stall..
"Ok"
"Good.... So listen mom, I just realized I did not get you a Mother's Day card. I'm sorry!"
"Oh dear, you don't have to get me a card"...
"I know mom, it's just I was thinking about you the other day when I had my book club party. I found the little spreading knives you gave me and I realized you're just the most considerate person I know". Tears starting to flow... "I really think you're the most giving, caring person I know... I remember back in high school whenever I needed something I'd come home and it was on my bed... I find myself doing that with Jay always anticipating his needs and I think I get that from you. I'm really lucky to have you. I love you" now completely sobbing..
"Well I'm happy to do it while I'm here and I can. Thank you dear, it's really nice to hear." "Are you okay, are you on your period?"..
Laughing out loud "Yes mom but I just wanted to make sure you knew how much I appreciate you.... I guess it's more difficult saying the words than just writing it in a card".
"I know. I really like to hear it though. It means a lot!"
"Ok mom. Well I just wanted to call and say that.. I will let you get back to what you were doing".
"Ok dear, thank you, I love you."
"I love you too mom!!"

I hang up the phone feeling silly, emotional, happy to have caused a smile, and loved!!! I exhale... as much as I hate Mother's Day,I realize what a completely special day it is. To honor the one person who, if your lucky, has bandaged your cuts, and thought about you when you didn't think of yourself. Who always knew and fostered your potential, and allowed you to grow into an independant and happy adult. This is the person who has loved, more than anything, the role she has had in your life as your mother. How then can you blame her, or anyone else for that matter, for wanting to extend that same joy and pleasure to their most treasured child..

So with a new attitude I say to all "Happy Mother's Day!". It's all about you... However when it comes to me, just leave me the hell alone!! LOL...

Wednesday just say no to abuse cambaign!!

ok... I feel like today is a reality check Wednesdays for the ladies of the world (or maybe just for my three readers..lol).. Seriously, a student kills his ex-girlfriend by repeatedly shaking and banging her head against a wall!!! Wow... My skin crawls to think about it. The nerve of a kid, waiving his miranda rights to describe in detail what took place. To me, that's sick and twisted!! It reminds me of a murder investigation show that didn't last long (it was hella cool so it should've). In the show crime scene thrill seakers teamed up and reinvestigated a real case, fake crime scene and all. In this particular case the murderer entered his neighbor's house, raped and tourched the place, only to reassert himself in the investigation and claim to be the hero. He was caught when he let a very important detail slip".. I couldn't sleep all night when I saw that , talk about narcissistic!!.. Back to my point.. How in the hell do people not know that their man is in-FREAKIN-sane!! Jay and I discussed this very subject this morning.

Me: "Babe I would know!! I'm telling you, I would!"
Him: "No dear, they say that a person can fool you for up to 6 months"

Really, I think to myself sadly...

I think in another life I was a prosecutor for this very issue. I remember once in high school in my Criminology mock trial being the defendant of a woman who killed her husband in self defense. Our stance was that she had battered woman's syndrome. I stayed up nights, researching and studying the case, trying to give my client the best defense possible. It seemed like breathing wasn't important at that time, life was this case! In class, I would get up and object so much the prosecutor could not speak and the class would cheer!! Remembering this I wish I could account this all to me being extremely smart. And while I am that (:-)), I know that my passion in that moment was the same passion that prevents me from lending a hand in organizations that protect women against abuse: I'm afraid I'll Lorena Bobbit on some ass!!


Me: "Nope, nope, no babe! The guy wouldn't last a second date! I would know. I just don't see how someone could not know. It's in the way he talks, it's in the stories he tells. It's all about control. I would see someone trying to be controlling"..
Him: "You're right it's all about control. Ok Spank, maybe you could tell. Most people aren't that perceptive. They just don't see the clues"

I can not bear that women are out there being abused. Mentally or physically. Emotionally it tears me up inside to think someone has so little self-worth that they don't just make a move. A move away from the situation, but more importantly a move to talk to someone. Let me tell you my three friends, NO man will EVER be worth that suffering. As a beautiful woman - and beautiful you are - you have in you the ability to move mountains!! Take a step, however small, but please STEP!


P.S. And as a public service announcement I've gathered the biggest signs that you're in an abusive relationship:

-is jealous or possessive towards you.
-tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
-tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
-is violent and/or loses his or her temper quickly.
-presses you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
-abuses drugs or alcohol.
-claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state.
-blames YOU when he or she mistreats you.
-has a history of bad relationships.
-your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
-you frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
-makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
-your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship and/or was abused as a child. -you leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

Tales from the trails

So Sunday marked the 2nd weekend in a row my girl Ray and I went hiking. She's on a rather recent "drive to health" marathon. The girl is on a jog every day, hike couple of times a week, strength, good food healthapalooza!! I envy that! Can't say that'll ever be me, but the shit's inspiring! Even caught myself making healthy lunches past couple of weeks. Without even trying!!! Go figure???

Anyhow we're standing on South Mountain ready to hike down.. Smart girl that I am, I decide to bring sweet little Mady along. For those of you that don't know, Mady is my half spaniel, half retriever beauty! She's a loveable, sociable, golden who likes to follow her mamma everywhere. So I'm thinking let me give her some QT and some exercise at the same time. Ingenious right???... Uhh maybe not. See here's the thing, dogs aint like humans. Can't very easily spit out "FUCK man, I'd rather be in bed!".. Poor thing was breathing heavy just laying in the back seat of the car on the ride up.

Sweet girl that she is though, she happily goes along. Actually she whipped us into shape. Was nearly dragging me down the mountain!! At some point I swear I heard her sign loudly. I'm sure she was thinking "Damn, you brought me out here. Least you can do is keep your ass up!!"

This weekend was a little hotter than last. Seemed everyone was feeling the heat. We got to the bottom only to turn around and hike back up. Doing it canyon-like, intense!!! I nearly peed my pants when a lady looked at me like she was about to report me for animal cruelty. She stopped, looked at us and said in amazement "you're going to do it again!!". Her eyes widened as we explained we started from up top. She just stood there looking at us as if she wanted to call us "crazy bitches!!"

We got the same reaction from the brother coming down. "Again".. I couldn't stop laughing!! I say to Ray, "damn I'm not explaining myself again!". (Not cuz I don't believe in being social to complete strangers, I'm all for the polite small talk. But at this point I can barely breath and we haven't really started the uphill yet!! )

So Ray and I are chatting. You know catching up and she says "man I want to get to the point where I can wear only a sports bra like that chick!". I'm thinking to myself, if it gets any hotter, you'll see me doing the same thing!! My mind flashed back to two hours earlier, when the man laughed when I stood in front of the mirror and pointed out how tight my obliques looked!! Fuck.. Whatever.. Maybe we'll wait on that!


So I continue my treck up (clothes on) and I spot Mady's poop to my left side. Only took 30 minutes and the mess turned dark as charcoal. Hilarious!!!

Finally at the top, Ray and I are chillen against a rock when a hippy pulls up with a red van. His hair is moppy, he has no shirt on and loose jeans. I tell Ray.. "Totally looks like something you'd blog around". We start picking apart the man's van. Look's more like a mini van driven by a soccer mom instead of a hippie. Ray suggests he paint some kind of moon or stars on the front..

At this point Mady is laid out in the dirt. Poor thing still panting like she stole something!! I keep my eye on the hippie, who's now opened the side door and is laying in the van... Air blowing through his hair. And for a moment there, everything goes silent and I get that same draft!!
I start to think man,.. this guy's up to something.

It's like the heat has drained me and instead energy is rushing up through me now, giving me my second wind!! Feels so awesome and refreshing!! Nothing quite like it,... so Ray and I are in the car... She turns to me and asks "Next week good for you??"... "Yep! I'm good for it!!"

Mady on the ride home!!

Crook of the neck!

Have you ever just wanted to lie your head in the crook of a man's neck? You know, that place where you nose is inches away from taking in that scent only describable as "pure man". You know the pose where you're S shapped against his side, top leg snaking around his legs, nestled in close!!

Ahhh.... [big exhale]... Thats what I'm in the mood for right this second. Where I wish I could be more than anything.

The place where I find peace deep down to my pinky toes. The place where nothing else matters. Complete and utter relaxation. Complete sense of the world being exactly whole for that split second..

I've been thinking a lot about love in the past few months. How do you know when it's really love? What are the warning signs!!

Is it when you're out in your sharp digs and you feel goose bumps at being with such a hot piece of ass..
Or is it in the moment that you're being sarcastically teased for something that is quite embarassing and you just grin and nod like you're not phased..
Or maybe it's when you're discussing for the hundred time where our people have descended from (and you swear you can call it quits any second if you have to have this conversation onE MORE TIME!!!)...
Maybe its the way that he calls you Spanky, rubs your head, or makes sure to go around to the passenger side of the car EVERY TIME to open your door...


I think mine is in the crook of the neck! It doesn't get much better than that... For me, as Peter Pan once said, that's my happy thought!

Duel-Flushing System

I am taking this course right now, Environmental Ethics. Thought to myself "hey, maybe you should actually take advantage of your benefit of free classes and do something to keep yourself busy". So I decided to enroll in the first course of a Sustainability certificate. If anyone knows me, I believe passionately about being accountable and responsible (On a side note, I actually took a survey to determine my strengths and my top five were, in this order, Relator, Maximizer, Empathy, Input and Responsbility). By accountable I mean, doing what you believe, living your life in a way comparable to your values. So anyways back to my class... I've been so wrapped up in all these articles on global warming, the deforestation problems, new forms of renewable energy, etc. that every spare second some thought pops into my mind. Most recently I was reading about the fact that most people in the world have no or limited access to water. So I'm sitting on the toilet in my office building, I look up and I see this little diagram with instructions on how to flush the toilet. It's a duel-flushing system! In a nutshell, you flush up when you have "liquid waste", and down for solid. I think this type of technology is so great!! Love it! So on my way out of the restroom I stop in every stall to see if any other toilets come equipped with this service. None!! So in my attempt to be even more greener (as if a person who calls her man to test the relationship by asking whether or not he invests in compact fluorescent bulbs can be greener) I decide to commit myself to this lone stall! So I get back to my desk and my mind starts to wonder, and I'm left with these questions... If you're going to the restroom and you flush, who flushes up? It seems to be against common nature. Shouldn't the flush up be for solids, I mean who actually uses a public stall to drop solids??