As far back as I have memories I can remember my life always being full of foresight and openess. My sister was young, maybe 14 when she met a guy at a concert. It was an outdoor concert and I remember following her coat tails when she met up with and flirted with a guy who lived in Phoenix. Phoenix now is as unintimidating as a city comes, but back then it was a world of mystery. A world of danger as my parents would make it seem, since we were forbidden to cross the barrier from Tempe. This Phoenix guy was dreamy, tall, light skinned, bald. I remember back then it was the thing to date someone who was outside of the circle. Someone, who in all honestly, you didn’t date, at least by today’s definition. Dating then entailed talking for hours on the phone, about basically nothing, under the covers in your pitch black room and falling asleep hours later to the sound of each other’s breathing. My sister was young, saw the guy once and weeks later, had their first long distance argument. I remember being in the vicinity, probably listening at the door to my sister’s every move, and trying to be cool as I tried to empathize with her. At one point I recall taking the phone, talking to her boyfriend and coming up with an idea. The directions were this “Each of you take a piece of paper and write down all the things that annoy you about each other. For everything that annoys you write something that you like about each other. After you’re done, read the list to each other”… Brilliant I know. Even at a young age I realized this true reality of life. Your world was about defining the big and little things. It’s about defining what matters and most importantly it was about defining your definitions.
I still see the world that way. I still am constantly picking apart the pieces of my friend's relationships, giving them reflection. Giving them the steps they need to step outside themselves and absorb the truth of the matter. To find out which conversations they're having and which ones they're not. I never understand why people compare themselves to others, why the get upset when faced by another relationship. I remember once having a conversation with a boyfriend and saying, the thing is “I believe in making our own definitions. What you and I define as being boyfriend and girlfriend needs to come with our joint efforts and earnest communication. I can’t expect you to know and you can’t expect me to know. I can’t expect all these things of you without expressing that I need those things”…
I remember once I was online reading a personal when a guy said in the most rhythmic and poetic of words that his solemn promise was “that I will never place you in a box”. He went on to say that he would never judge, make assumptions, or make her into something he subconsciously wanted. This to me was true beauty, in that he was giving the woman freedom to be. To be herself, to become who she was really meant to be, no boundaries, just promise of faithful and steadfast commitment.
Traditional definitions to me are very scary, people in 2010 still in large part see their happily ever after in nuclear shells of a former world. Husband, wife, and 2.5 kids. The father at work, the mother at home, and the children obedient. Is that definition wrong, absolutely not. What’s wrong I believe is when the world at large, uses that example to judge other’s lives. Case in point, the other day I was out and I came across two people who seemed to know me in a former life. One walks up to me, lifts my hand and begins to speak ill towards men and their blindness. “How do you fail to see a treasure right in front of you”, he asked? The second of the two goes on and on about how her son has FINALLY found the one and how it was going to happen soon. I won’t go into how long the two have been dating (ummm.. six weeks) or go into details about why she said to me ‘it’ll happen to you too” without me so much as giving a word on my current relationship…
I wonder about these definitions and I think long and hard about mine. As a kid, as a maturing young woman, and now as an adult. Do I have all the answers?? Definitely not. But remembering my dreams I always lived with the image of having an honest and reflective relationship. One where I felt comfort, an honest respect for the other person, a humor about life, a strong sense of self, an exchange of intellect, a deep understanding of each others goals, values, and character and a spirit of honesty. All virtues that to this day are what matter most. Kids, they never emerged, a white picket fence, not there. Dreams change I realize and I suppose mine can one day too, but I wish I could be respected for my definition, whatever it is. No judgement, no sorrow, no fears for my ultimate happiness. I want to be promised to be kept outside a box.. I want the freedom to be loved for myself, and my own world of definitions..
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