Love Languages...

When I was in high school my youth pastor did this sermon on love languages and it just stuck... Anyone who knows me knows communication fascinates me. When I think of two people I think wow.. two whole different lives, two whole different definitions, it’s so miraculous and encouraging when they can see eye to eye. I think that’s why love languages have followed me around for the last fifteen years. Every relationship I have I break down the language…

Do they feel love when I buy them gifts? How about when I do an act of service, like cleaning the dishes or cooking dinner? What about when I’m whispering sweet nothings, affirming them? Maybe it’s when I ideally stroke their arm or face? Maybe it’s in all the undivided attention I give them?

I know I’ve been in relationships where I wonder, how can this man not know that I’m so in love with him. Look at all the ways I show him. Then I think "DAMN this is unrequited love"… It’s like I’m standing alone in the rain and they’re not showing me anything..

I think the refreshing thing about love languages is that everyone has a way they receive love and 8 times out of 10 that’s the way they show love. It’s comforting to know that one person may express his or her emotions in a completely different ways than another. It’s nice to know that you don’t have to date man after man to know all the signals because signals are subjective and individual… Friends, children, co-workers, significant others. They all have a way in which they feel special, appreciated, and loved.

Recently I asked a friend what his language was. I was sure I knew because I’ve always considered myself the guru on communication. I watch and observe and pay attention to the details. When I was told his I was floored!!! How could I have missed that? I had bought gifts, said all the right things, spent every available moment I could but I had never done something special to help him out. Then I brought him soup while he was sick.... My oh my did the light bulb click on. The man kept thanking me so much I had to tell him to stop… And honestly it just made me feel like I was finally been seen in a room full of beautiful things. There's nothing better than making someone else feel loved and treasured!!

They say that everyone loves in each of these five ways: gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation or physical touch. They also say that one is dominant and most important. If you never receive that, you will always feel half empty….. It’s an interesting thought.

What is your love language? Take the test today!!
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Took a break...love had me at a standstill

Ok so I realized today that it's been awhile since I've blogged. Actually if I'm honest with myself I've been aware of that fact for quite some time now. The problem is I was paralyzed by love. I've been up and down in my relationship for quite some time now. Don't get me wrong it was a great relationship, the best I've had. Sometimes it's hard being up and down because you don't want the down to be negatively reflective of a guy who is beautiful inside and out, someone who is just dealing with a multitude of life's demands. So instead of discussing and getting the empathetic ear that's sometimes crucial in straightening out your emotions, you retreat. You retreat because you don't want to talk about it and you know eventually everyone will ask. It's not a bad thing, I personally find it essential and self-regulating, but it sometimes can be impersonal and lonely. That being said, it's definitely hard to create a balance. Balance that for a Libra is imperative. So in my effort to deal and to sort, I've retreated. Retreated from everything and anything so that I could figure out what was in my heart and mind, not what everyone else felt should be there.

Today I read a friend's blog and she was talking about being ready for that next stage of life. You know the 2.5 kids, white picket fence, happily ever after life. I guess in the storytails it's always like a model home: perfect. Never do the kids from the ex come into view, there's no baby momma drama, no bankrupcies, loss of employment, etc. There's get that great job, pay off all the bills, be in a great place, meet that great guy and one, two, two.five kids later you've reached that pinnacle of happiness. What I've come to realize and what most should know by now (those not living under a rock anyways) is that life isn't an order. It's a mess and it's unpredictable.

Thinking about my ex has made this topic or situation come to light for me. It's been highlighted quite a bit. I just don't understand why people want to live in a world with things that are temporary instead of actually living. They want that fat crib, that hummer, or they want to be perceived as being able to have that and being that person that can and will support the masses. The truth is life happens. You either choose to be present in life or you choose to exclude yourself in an effort to prioritize something that in the long run doesn't matter. Tell me this, what happens when you decide to put off love in an effort to pay off bills? Then you get to the point where the bills are paid and your one true love has moved on to another. All the riches in the world can't make you happy. I just find this sad, pathetic and lonely. Things will never be Walt Disney. And unfortunately people assume that if it isn't, the happiness won't be as concrete or complete. Truth is happiness is what you make it. It doesn't just come one day and slap you in the face to say "I'm here, wake up". If you want a family and want to travel too, make sure you plan a way to do both. Just be active in your future instead of thinking one means the other is gone forever.

So instead of choosing to live your life alone, choose to live it with someone, letting someone support your struggles, being a shoulder to your sorrows, and a champion of your successes. Is life really worth living if you are alone and miserable?

I know I've been M.I.A. but hopefully you all know you're loved. Its funny that this happened to be the topic of my return but when I look at all my loved ones, my lost love included, I see this as being the struggle of most. The thought that life isn't what it should be. So what happens, we become depressed so much we can't move to a place we CAN be happy. You are the agent of change and happiness is what you make it.

part-time vegetarian

Everyone knows my motto in life (and if you don't you're obviously a newbie to my blog so welcome!!).. "make decisions you can be proud of". My goal in life is to not live in ignorance but live with a purpose, however minor. My favorite example of this is going into the grocery store. Why do people buy what they buy? I personally would go into the grocery store and buy products that my mother had bought for years, no real discernment as to why.. What I've learned is that purchasing trends have POWER! It becomes a game to me.. How can I make better choices...

a. Choose Target over Wal-mart (don't get me started.. All I can say is Wal-mart has many many issues. Watch the documentary. I know time has passed and Wal-mart has had opportunity to make positive changes but when you have as many issues as Wal-mart has, it'll take decades. Morally I feel good with Target. A company who donates 5% of income to charity can't be bad. And they're full of green products..Plus news is that they're beating Wal-mart in the prices of products consumers buy most)

b. Buy compact fluorescant light bulb versus the regular brands.

c. Choose environmental friendly cleaning products.

d. Buy organic when I can.

Unfortunately the thing I've learned is that to be smart is also to be broke at times. Our economy is so screwed up and backwards that to make better choices for our health and environment usually causes us financial pain.

A few months ago my friend Raven and I were going on and on about Temple Grandin. How inspiring is her desire to be humane to animals. Ray says to me "we should become vegetarians". My response "I don't eat a lot of meat, chicken and fish mostly but my problem is I'm so lazy".. Break to a few weeks later when I check the mail and find an article discussing all the benefits of being a part-time Vegetarian. Got to love my SELF magazine.

Some highlights:

1. Lose weight!! Those who eat the most processed and red meat gained the most weight.

2. Helping the planet!! Having a plant based diet one day a week cuts more greenhouse gas emissions than buying all locally grown food.

3. Fend of cancer!! According to a Harvard study women who consumed animal fat in form of read meat and high-fat dairy had 24 percent higher risck of developing breast cancer.

4. To protect your heart!! Especially for women age 30 to 55 (according to a 26 year long study). Protect your heart by eating beans and nuts!

5. Save $$$$$ !!! Plant proteins are cheap!! Plus meat consumption costs the U.S. more than $190billion in health-related expenses (i.e. cancer and diabetes).

So now that I got the knowledge, gonna do my best to kick my lazy butt in gear. Mission: Meatless Mondays!!, who's in??

The choice to understand..

This last few months I've been thinking and writing a lot about perspectives. I know someone who's made major life changes. Her day to day activities have changed. So drastically has it changed that people close to her have been concerned. Let me preface all this by saying this friend is not on drugs, she has not joined a cult and has not done a 180 to become the opposite end of her former self. I find it interesting being a spectator of this. I understand her desire to live differently and I understand the concern of the friends and family. I understand both perspectives and yet I wonder sometimes why others can't seem to do the same.

They say it's difficult to stand in someone's shoes, and that you never can fully understand someone's world. The Christian sees the world differently than the Agnostic. The Male differently than the Women. The Child different than the Parent. The Able-bodied differently than the Disabled. The Heterosexual different the Homosexual. When I was in college I facilitated discussions between differing social groups. My particular dialogue group consisted of Hispanics and Caucasians. My co-facilitator and I would meet weekly to come up with creative ideas on how to spark conversation. The goal: to get people of both social groups to understand something about the other. I remember one particular exercise in which we had each person go around the room and read a statement out loud. Statements like "I've never gone to a beauty store and wondered if the person behind the counter knew how to handle my type of hair" or "I've never gone to the store and wondered why there were no band-aids that matched the color of my flesh". The idea behind this was to make each person think about the thoughts of a person of a different ethnicity. In essence to allow them to stand in another's shoes.

Awhile back I wrote about relationships and how the single bemoan singleness and the coupled bemoan the opposite. This perspective is one I've thought about frequently and today again I was thrown back into thinking about these differing perspectives. As a single women my day starts like this. I wake up, get ready for work, take care of my dog and come home. I clean my house, maybe watch tv, maybe do some reading and then go back to sleep. My day sounds similar to many, single or otherwise. But the difference is that as a couple, you're sharing. You're sharing your hopes, you're sharing your dreams, you're sharing your responsibilities, you have a daily outlet to your emotions, you have a daily shoulder for your struggles, and most importantly you have a daily witness to your life. You rely on your partner and your partner becomes a half of your brain. Decisions are tackled together and are for the good of the whole.

As a single person it's just you. You have friends maybe but you have no one listening to your days highs and lows. You don't always have the input of another. Your company is you and you have to love and fit well within your own skin. Your decisions are your owns, your triumphs your own, your mistakes your own.

Now in no way am I saying it's horrible to be single. I'm also not saying that it's better or easier to be in a relationship. I'm just saying it's different. It's another perspective. It's another way to look at life and another way to step into someone's shoes...

I feel like I'm rambling but I guess my point is this.. Life throws us many curve balls. We are constantly dealing with relationships and these relationships are not easy to maneuver. They deal with one person who's had many experiences, a person who belong to a variety of social groups. Those social group dictate that person's core, that person's belief system. Our social groups do the same. It is so much easier to say to the world "see the world like I do" but the fact is, no two people are alike and we can't all see things the same. Our differences are what make us beautifully unique.

What's left then is a decision we must make for ourselves. Do I choose to want to understand? Do I choose to have this person in my life as a close friend, as my family, as my lover? And if I so choose, do I realize that this means I must shift through their experiences, their beliefs and understand them as they are? Am I willing to reevaluate my beliefs, my wants to have that person in my life?

The answer is neither good or bad, it's ours and ours alone. The simple truth though is that to build any relationship, you must make the choice to understand.

Building blocks..

In the last few days I keep picturing myself and all that I am as building blocks. I see myself standing on my tip toes on top of a few blocks, placing a new block on top of this large figure. This large figure/building represents my beliefs, values, experiences, relationships: The first time I walked into a high school lunch room, the first time I realized I was in love, my first job, my intra and interpersonal conflicts, the growth of the relationships I have in my life with family and friends, my college graduation, the first time I had to really work at a relationship, finding out I like to write, having a passion against domestic violence or the destruction of our natural environment, building a value of honesty and integrity, figuring out I like to learn, my first betrayal, understanding love, passion, hope.

I've learned that life is this series of things that build us up, that in essence create us, and hopefully allow us to be representative of an individual we can be proud of. This week seems to be a challenge to some of my building blocks. Those bottom, deeply engrained blocks are being shoved, realigned, challenged. These shifts are asking me to look deeper within myself, deeper within my life. I realize that these blocks will always be manipulated; by ourselves, outside experiences, new interactions with other people. Things happen that can alter the very center of the person you once recognized yourself to be.

The reality is that when you are strong in yourself, when you really know yourself and your strengths, you're able to rebuild and adjust to lifes challenges. You're able to stand strong in yourself and be proud of the choices you make and how you begin to build an even better you!

The Temple Grandin Perspective...

A friend of mine has been struggling with writing about relationships. She recently moved and began a journey of a new life. As excited as she is by this new start she realized that somehow along the way, men and relationships began consuming more of this new life than expected. I have to admit, sometimes I can relate. I have a lot of varied interests but at times I'll catch myself intentionally going through my past blogs to make sure my relationship topics don't overwhelm the rest of my stories. In analyzing myself and this weird obsession I came to this simple realization. What I relayed to my friend is that women are creatures who try to nurture and in nurturing we try to make sense of what makes no sense. It is our way of empathizing; of organizing in our brains the chaos that is the unknown...


Today I watched a movie called Temple Grandin. It's the life story of an autistic woman's struggle to make sense out of life. For Temple, life is a series of pictures. If she thinks about shoes, she remembers every shoe she's ever worn or seen (on people, in magazines, in stores, etc). To capture a complicated language, she makes some elaborate picture and to make sense of her environment, her photographic brain produces a pictured order. She does not process fear or the unknown in the way most do, she deals with anxiety in ways that are not the American norms, and her world has it's own set of definitions.

When Temple finds herself surrounded by cattle, like my friend and I with relationships and men, she must try to understand their world. She finds gentleness in their eyes and the chaos they feel she can relate to. Her mission becomes finding peace for these animals; a life that can be humane and a death that can be respected and calm!! (How do you not love this woman's respect of animal life!!)

Temple Grandin is truly inspirational! Not only does she accomplish life when life's world norms and rules don't make sense to her and she's considered "handicapped" but she forges ahead to help people catch a glimpse of her beauty, see her world, respect and honor her vision.

I know it can be said that all people are different. Our perceptions, our worldviews, our struggles, our experiences, our life stories, how we learn, teach and grow. Regardless of that, I've learned that we can all take a bit from each difference (the life of a blind person, an obese person, a genius, an autistic, a man, a woman, a homosexual, a minority, an atheist, an environmentalist, an activist, this list should be all encompassing). Watching Temple's amazing story, moved me to tears but more than that it confirms to me how soft the human heart can be in our desire to "understand" another.

Biophilia: definition

Biophilia can be defined as a desire for people to be one or close with nature. They say this is evident in the keeping of pets or in the fact that people on the market for real estate tend to spend more for property with a nice view. I never knew myself to be a person with a keen interest in nature. I was never a woman of the outdoors, never had the desire to camp or fish as a kid or to watch Animal Planet. Then one day I remember walking into Sea World and seeing a beautiful polar bear. I was mesmerized by the grace of it's stroke as it swam in front of me. Somehow the pale beauty of its fur allowed me to perceive it as fragile and harmless. From that point on I was fascinated by the polar bear. It's life, it's habits, all of it. Along the way it seemed that anything related to the environment started to slap my face; in magazines, on television, at work even. I am amazed by the way our environment works to sustain life. We get so much from it: medicine, biodiversity, photosynthesis!

I wish the world could go back to the simple days. Where we didn't have a need to acquire so much stuff and with that need destroy precious land by chopping down trees for oil, and to develop, develop, develop. The world when more money was spent on a sustainable and healthy meal rather than our need to pump antibiotics into cows and chicken again to produce more, more, just a little more. When the kids would play ball in the backyards, or play at the playground. Remember picnics in the park? How about living in a world when alligators didn't become asexual because of all the chemicals streaming down our rivers that act to disrupt hormones and cause strange physical reactions. What about a world where humanitarianism is widespread and respected and there's no need to exploit developing countries? A world where people had integrity and the government realized that Americans consume much more than any other country and act accordingly to reduce greenhouse emissions.

Biophilia... I feel it in my daily walks with my dogs, my hikes, my trips to Sea World, and my actions to act as a band-aid to our beautiful awe-inspiring environment!!