the down low

I don't know what it is but it seems the last few weeks the subject of the down low keeps popping up around me. For those of you who are unaware the down low is used to describe men that have wives but live these secret lives with men. These men, in essence, pretend to be living the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, minivan life but on the sidelines are having unprotected sex with other men.

First Oprah, then Oprah again, then Private Practice. I'm sorry ya'll but that mess scares me!!! As much as I am a proponent for honesty and integrity, I am also not a fool to imagine that every man having a relationship is up front about everything. If I believed in the fairy tale ending I wouldn't be living in the 21st century. The fact is there's a reason why half of marriages are now ending in divorce. My guess, a lack of openness. I would go on to say that this lack of openness includes a lot of dishonesty by omission (yes ya'll there is such a thing)!

So what does this mean for us women? For women in a day and age where most of the time we have to date men that have one foot in and the other out the door and are daily teetering on either side of that line? You know that world: where you don't get a "confirmation" on a Saturday night date til Saturday morning (because you know he's waiting to see if anything "better" comes along-- as if!!).

To me this puts us in a place where we have to be the hard ones. The woman that gets labeled a control freak, rigid, unspontaneous and boring because we're strapping up past our 40th wedding anniversary. I am one to trust a man but with the import of the down low into modern society, should my desire to trust cost the health of my life?

I just don't understand. Why don't people want to live a life of honesty? Isn't that much easier. In this last few months I've had to hear some things that weren't easy to hear and that stung a little but in hindsight I wouldn't take it back for anything. I believe that some men in relationships make that assumption that a women is too weak, too full of drama, or too emotional to hear the truth. This is the biggest misconception of women that there is. First because we're adults now, we have to learn to face the fact that sometimes things are hard to hear but need to be heard. Second, telling someone the truth shows you respect them and respect is the one thing people want most; it's the ultimate gift. Third, because if you fail to tell a woman the truth the end result is just going to be the drama you were trying to prevent in the first place. In other words, save yourself some money on some slashed tires and speak up...

The life of a down low man is ugly. It's full of secrets and lies and it's dangerous to the woman who wants to trust and stand by her man. The whole culture makes ALL women cautious and suspitious. If I piece it apart the bottom line (from my perception) is that this world is still biased and closed. When we can all live in a society where we can be accepted for our differences, we will have less opportunity for deception and more for us (men in this case) to be ourselves without fear of discrimination.

Commitment, Wants, & Needs

I’ve grown up with remarkable parents, their relationship has always inspired me. When my dad wanted to pursue his artistic abilities, my mom stood by his side. Supportive, although many might’ve said a degree in theater when you have three small children is a bit of a risk. When he had a sudden career loss, she stepped up and took some of the weight on herself. If they’ve taught me anything through example it’s that when you love someone, you’re there. Through good and bad, highs and low, love outlasts and outweighs all.

It’s weird to say but this all encompassing commitment to another paralyzed me growing up. I think subconsciously I wondered how I could give so much of myself without really knowing myself. I think I always knew that once I was in it, I’d be in it. Once I was in a relationship I would commit myself, mind, body, and soul. I’d commit my will and all my might. So like the student I am, I made a journey to find myself: What was it that mattered most to me, what made me "me"?

A friend of mine recently brought up a list that women make. The list that describes all the things you want in a partner. My journey created my list. She went on to say that once you find all that you become truly present. I realize now that I never thought that list was truly possible to find. Surprisingly one day when I wasn’t looking, he smiled down on me. It’s a wonderful feeling. Being present with someone, feeling you get them and that they might get you back. When I looked at him, my soul smiled; still does. It’s at peace and it’s happy.

And as I always knew I’d do, I committed. My heart, my soul, my everything. I gave so much of myself I forgot to ask myself one rather large question… “This is what I want, but what is it that I need”. I just gave, and I was present, available and happy but not thinking of me. I tried to figure out how I could be committed to someone and want to be with them but not feel like my needs were being met. Was I failing at standing by my man?? I finally realized I hadn't been willing to make myself as healthy as I realize I was trying to make sure he was.

I’ve come to realize that knowing yourself is a process that is never ending. It’s a constant work of progress. You feel like you’ve conquered the first level and the second appears. You take care of that and then you reach the next. With me it was: who are you, what matters to you, what is it you want, and finally, is what you want aligned with what you truly need.

The thing about LOVE is that when it’s real, it makes sure that wants and needs align. That smile looks at you and says "here's the thing, you and me, we want each other no question, but our needs are different". The Bible calls love patient, kind, not self seeking.. I've learned that love is agreeing to do the healthy thing and let each other seek out those needs.. Love is allowing each other to fly free and find healing and happiness... As they say if it's meant to be, it'll be.. If it's not, as India.Arie The Truth says "I'm glad I knew him at all..."