the down low

I don't know what it is but it seems the last few weeks the subject of the down low keeps popping up around me. For those of you who are unaware the down low is used to describe men that have wives but live these secret lives with men. These men, in essence, pretend to be living the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, minivan life but on the sidelines are having unprotected sex with other men.

First Oprah, then Oprah again, then Private Practice. I'm sorry ya'll but that mess scares me!!! As much as I am a proponent for honesty and integrity, I am also not a fool to imagine that every man having a relationship is up front about everything. If I believed in the fairy tale ending I wouldn't be living in the 21st century. The fact is there's a reason why half of marriages are now ending in divorce. My guess, a lack of openness. I would go on to say that this lack of openness includes a lot of dishonesty by omission (yes ya'll there is such a thing)!

So what does this mean for us women? For women in a day and age where most of the time we have to date men that have one foot in and the other out the door and are daily teetering on either side of that line? You know that world: where you don't get a "confirmation" on a Saturday night date til Saturday morning (because you know he's waiting to see if anything "better" comes along-- as if!!).

To me this puts us in a place where we have to be the hard ones. The woman that gets labeled a control freak, rigid, unspontaneous and boring because we're strapping up past our 40th wedding anniversary. I am one to trust a man but with the import of the down low into modern society, should my desire to trust cost the health of my life?

I just don't understand. Why don't people want to live a life of honesty? Isn't that much easier. In this last few months I've had to hear some things that weren't easy to hear and that stung a little but in hindsight I wouldn't take it back for anything. I believe that some men in relationships make that assumption that a women is too weak, too full of drama, or too emotional to hear the truth. This is the biggest misconception of women that there is. First because we're adults now, we have to learn to face the fact that sometimes things are hard to hear but need to be heard. Second, telling someone the truth shows you respect them and respect is the one thing people want most; it's the ultimate gift. Third, because if you fail to tell a woman the truth the end result is just going to be the drama you were trying to prevent in the first place. In other words, save yourself some money on some slashed tires and speak up...

The life of a down low man is ugly. It's full of secrets and lies and it's dangerous to the woman who wants to trust and stand by her man. The whole culture makes ALL women cautious and suspitious. If I piece it apart the bottom line (from my perception) is that this world is still biased and closed. When we can all live in a society where we can be accepted for our differences, we will have less opportunity for deception and more for us (men in this case) to be ourselves without fear of discrimination.