why we forgive...

The past few months of my life have been difficult ones. I have faced some ups and downs in different areas of my life. I have had people I care about judge and pick apart my choices. While in no way is that easy and in some respects I might disagree I have challenged myself to be open to their viewpoints, experience and interpretations. As my family and friends know I am constantly reevaluating myself and what I do as it relates to my beliefs. I strongly believe that growth takes being humble, being open, self reflection, and the guidance of key figures (not necessarily everyone)in our lives. I have learned my mistakes in communicating and have learned when I need to speak up and be more clear in my implied and spoken messages.

I state this all to relay an experience I recently had. My lovely niece is experiencing a challenge with a friend. Someone who she loves dearly and has been an important part of her life. She was placed in a situation where this friend has shut her off and she's hurt by that. In talking to my niece not only did I relay similar experiences I have been through but I made the following statement "most people are genuinely good people. In their minds their logic makes perfect sense and they are doing the very best they can with the knowledge and experiences they hold". My mistakes in past relationships haven't been because I was bad, it has been because I was doing the best I could with what I knew at that time.

I told her that in my experience that person will want to be friends again. I told her that the most important thing we can do is to try to be open to people that are different from us, to hold our integrity, and to be forgiving.

I have had this same conversation with friends, some of whom have in turn called my naïve, but when I shared my thoughts with my niece I was recommitted to these ideals.

A child raised by an alcoholic may become one. A child abused may abuse. I honestly feel that there's a period in which that child as an adult must alter their tracks. It is our responsibility as a grown mature adult to alter our course and not excuse poor behavior. However as much as I believe this I also believe that there is a period of adjustment that this child transiting into adulthood goes through.

As a friend, as a human being it is our job to be kind and patient, to forgive. At the same time we must recognize when and where patience and kindness blurs into abuse. No one should mistake kindness for weakness and walk all over that friend.

So to my niece I say "I'm sorry sweetheart, the pain of loss or betrayal is never easy. Just remember that like you're not perfect, neither is anyone else. Try to be open, kind, patience, and forgive. Forgive but don't forget. Don't let forgiveness be defined as abuse. In the end and by its very definition forgiveness is more a healing that will uplift and carry you than something that is given as a free pass to that other person"