Commitment, Wants, & Needs

I’ve grown up with remarkable parents, their relationship has always inspired me. When my dad wanted to pursue his artistic abilities, my mom stood by his side. Supportive, although many might’ve said a degree in theater when you have three small children is a bit of a risk. When he had a sudden career loss, she stepped up and took some of the weight on herself. If they’ve taught me anything through example it’s that when you love someone, you’re there. Through good and bad, highs and low, love outlasts and outweighs all.

It’s weird to say but this all encompassing commitment to another paralyzed me growing up. I think subconsciously I wondered how I could give so much of myself without really knowing myself. I think I always knew that once I was in it, I’d be in it. Once I was in a relationship I would commit myself, mind, body, and soul. I’d commit my will and all my might. So like the student I am, I made a journey to find myself: What was it that mattered most to me, what made me "me"?

A friend of mine recently brought up a list that women make. The list that describes all the things you want in a partner. My journey created my list. She went on to say that once you find all that you become truly present. I realize now that I never thought that list was truly possible to find. Surprisingly one day when I wasn’t looking, he smiled down on me. It’s a wonderful feeling. Being present with someone, feeling you get them and that they might get you back. When I looked at him, my soul smiled; still does. It’s at peace and it’s happy.

And as I always knew I’d do, I committed. My heart, my soul, my everything. I gave so much of myself I forgot to ask myself one rather large question… “This is what I want, but what is it that I need”. I just gave, and I was present, available and happy but not thinking of me. I tried to figure out how I could be committed to someone and want to be with them but not feel like my needs were being met. Was I failing at standing by my man?? I finally realized I hadn't been willing to make myself as healthy as I realize I was trying to make sure he was.

I’ve come to realize that knowing yourself is a process that is never ending. It’s a constant work of progress. You feel like you’ve conquered the first level and the second appears. You take care of that and then you reach the next. With me it was: who are you, what matters to you, what is it you want, and finally, is what you want aligned with what you truly need.

The thing about LOVE is that when it’s real, it makes sure that wants and needs align. That smile looks at you and says "here's the thing, you and me, we want each other no question, but our needs are different". The Bible calls love patient, kind, not self seeking.. I've learned that love is agreeing to do the healthy thing and let each other seek out those needs.. Love is allowing each other to fly free and find healing and happiness... As they say if it's meant to be, it'll be.. If it's not, as India.Arie The Truth says "I'm glad I knew him at all..."