They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. That's an interesting statement.. One that I've often discussed with friends who's opinions lie on both ends of the spectrum.. I at one time found myself torn...
I know so many people who bemoan their singleness. They say it's awful, lonely, boring, difficult. The search for that special person is a full time job that nobody wants to venture into. Sure the beginning stages are great. You get those butterflies that come with the "newness" of the relationship. You spend hours on the phone finding out each others personalities, similarities, differences, values, joys, sorrows. You get to absorb into each other. But once this stage wears off what happens next? If you're lucky you continue on your high (granted a more level one). If not, what most find, is that right around the 3 month mark people begin to change. It's like they put their best foot forward and now the true quirks and personalities flaws come shining through. You spend those next 3 months finding out the true or shall we say "whole" picture.
On the other hand you have those other people. You know the ones who are actually in relationships. Now again, you may have those rare few that proclaim they have a dream come true in their significant other. The rest of this population however, spend time complaining, "Man this is work", "This fool doesn't appreciate anything", "You can't live with them, can't shoot them". This group honestly love their partner but can't seem to figure out how to maintain a healthy balance. Maybe they still struggle to figure that balance out, or maybe they are struggling to satisfy both partner's needs. Sometimes it seems the confusion and work is not worth the effort.
Better to have loved and lost... The reality is do you choose to be alone and lonely or to risk your heart and commit yourself to the hard work a good relationship requires. It seems like the answer would be simple but for those who have opened themselves up and been hurt, its not..
Than to never have loved at all... Love, I believe, is what makes the world go around. Life is much brighter, much more enjoyable, much more exciting when you have someone there by your side. To motivate you, inspire you, believe in you, remind you to take in the small things, share your experiences, validate your life.
I've been on both ends. I've been the single one. Dating tirelessly and being disillusioned time and time again. Enthralled but exhausted with the "game" that seems to be commonplace in this day and age. I've also been in the relationship. Happy and content and yet struggling to make it all make sense.
What I've come to find out is that love is wonderful, loss is painful, but the journey makes it all worth while. If you're smart, as I believe myself to be, you take both and you learn. You take the great of the love and you make mental notes about what made it so great. You then take the pain of the loss and you find a way to make it a lesson learned (whether small or large). You find a way to develop your own balance so that the pain doesn't hinder your ability to love again and the love allows you the ability to believe in wonderful possibilities and ultimate and complete happiness!!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
trust and growth
In the past week I've had three of my girls break down and analyze "trust". Dating and love is hard. Even the best of relatiionships are hard. The more you open up the more there's room for vulnerability to creep in. The truth of the matter is that most in their lives have been exposed to some element of dishonesty from someone. Whether it was a parent, lover or friend. Being in a situation of dishonesty is world changing......
I think our past often define us. We live our lives guarded against our weakest (blind) spots. We unknowingly blame the new guy for past hurts. It's natural and it's hard to break the cycle. I've found for me that the trick is being very observant of the new person. What he says, does, how he shows respect and love. You have to let that guide you.
Our weakness is always there. We have to know ourselves and get past that fear. That's really the only way to open ourselves up and get to something better, something happier, and something sturdy.
I think about all the women out there who've been dogged and now close themselves off and I'm saddened. Or other women who had no positive male role models and now open themselves up too much. Sometimes I think of then men who are in similar situtions, dogged by fathers with no strong role models.
I know my perspective by some might sound naive but how's life worth living if you view the world through other glasses. No the world may not always be rose colored but there are a lot of beautiful elements, beautiful things to learn and share. I've always thought that the beauty of life is better reflected in a shared experience. Having someone to be there to not only validate your life but to help nurture and feed it.
I think our past often define us. We live our lives guarded against our weakest (blind) spots. We unknowingly blame the new guy for past hurts. It's natural and it's hard to break the cycle. I've found for me that the trick is being very observant of the new person. What he says, does, how he shows respect and love. You have to let that guide you.
Our weakness is always there. We have to know ourselves and get past that fear. That's really the only way to open ourselves up and get to something better, something happier, and something sturdy.
I think about all the women out there who've been dogged and now close themselves off and I'm saddened. Or other women who had no positive male role models and now open themselves up too much. Sometimes I think of then men who are in similar situtions, dogged by fathers with no strong role models.
I know my perspective by some might sound naive but how's life worth living if you view the world through other glasses. No the world may not always be rose colored but there are a lot of beautiful elements, beautiful things to learn and share. I've always thought that the beauty of life is better reflected in a shared experience. Having someone to be there to not only validate your life but to help nurture and feed it.
Friday, September 3, 2010
My current Chapter is... judgements
I sat in my afternoon yoga class and the assignment was to journal. She asked us to think about what the name of our book would be called (little did she know this has been on my mind for months), then to think about the name of the current chapter in our book. Would there be a subtitle??
The first thing that came to mind was judgements. I had one of my proudest moments recently when my little sister said to me that I was fun to hang out with and to confide in. "She has not a judgemental or mean bone in her body!" she facebooked.
I try to live my life that way. It's easier for me to be happy and to function if I let everyone's decisions be confined to their own reasonings. I've found that life is too challenging and complex to spend time inserting my own beliefs or understandings on why other people do what they do.
Seriously. I think my sanity comes from looking at other people's life and living by my mom's favorite phrase of "whatever floats your boat".
Think about it through this example, you know your friend is being cheated on. You quickly make a judgement about her because she takes the man back. What is the likely outcome to that judgement: A. She responds and drops his ass. B. She gets defensive and drops your ass. C. She stays with the guy and your relationship becomes strained because of your words. My experience has been that 9 times out of ten the answer will be either B or C. And the reality is there may be a lot of variables you don't know about. I.e. they could have an open relationship, she cheated on him last week, one of them doesn't enjoy sex so the other one can cheat.. The list goes on and on.
Growing up I was never the social one so I didn't often have the problem of getting into everyone's business. I stood on the sidelines. I read and I learned. I let other people's lives teach me what to do and what not to do. It's not hard to see why I ended up studying human communication. Humans and their behaviors fascinate me.
I'll pick on my sister here. I've always been puzzled with why she can go to a spot and always pick out the one or two people that are looking at her cross. Never in my life have I noticed the same!! If we pick apart the possible reasons for this "cold" look we come up with the following: Jealousy, Drunken stupor, Admiration, etc. Why make an assumption when it's just going to stir you up and cause a possible negative reaction. The truth is that some people were not shown proper public ettiquette. Who are they to have some power over your life? Know those facts and move on. Don't spend another moment caring or even thinking about them.
Here's the tough example: relationships. Many of you know my stance on this. I will never say that it is easy to end a relationship. I have been through some that have left me speechless and feeling like there's a huge hole in my heart. I can get mad, I can call the man every name in the book (and sometimes yes he deserves it), I can go out looking like a damn fool, but for what.
My reality has always been this. If you know yourself and you know that you've behaved with dignity and class, why should anything else matter. There are always going to be a multitude of reasons for why people break up. A. Maybe one partner wasn't mature enough B. One had too much residual relationship damage. C. Timing was just bad.. With all those variables in the air, what can you possibly do but to move on with your head held high. Turning it over and over again in your head wont make you feel better when most likely it can be summed up in A, B, or C. The underlying truth is the person didn't see your great worth and it's their loss.
I remember once learning in a psychology class that people can not be changed by any hand other than their own. Think about it that way. You're two pieces of a larger puzzle, and you just don't fit. You can't cheat the puzzle and make it conform. You have to move on knowing the right piece will be out there and you'll soon find it.
Making judgements about another's life is difficult. Think about it when you know how it feels to have others judge you. I'm proud to have friends I love and respect. Sometimes their decisions puzzle me. Sometimes I may take them, chew them on for size, and think about how I'd respond in that situation. If the friend asks, I share that advice but if not, I allow myself to be a place to bounce ideas off of. You can't force someone to do as you do. You have to let them learn and do their own growing. They've had a different life and their reality might be a lot different than yours. The only thing you can do is be there and be supportive...
The first thing that came to mind was judgements. I had one of my proudest moments recently when my little sister said to me that I was fun to hang out with and to confide in. "She has not a judgemental or mean bone in her body!" she facebooked.
I try to live my life that way. It's easier for me to be happy and to function if I let everyone's decisions be confined to their own reasonings. I've found that life is too challenging and complex to spend time inserting my own beliefs or understandings on why other people do what they do.
Seriously. I think my sanity comes from looking at other people's life and living by my mom's favorite phrase of "whatever floats your boat".
Think about it through this example, you know your friend is being cheated on. You quickly make a judgement about her because she takes the man back. What is the likely outcome to that judgement: A. She responds and drops his ass. B. She gets defensive and drops your ass. C. She stays with the guy and your relationship becomes strained because of your words. My experience has been that 9 times out of ten the answer will be either B or C. And the reality is there may be a lot of variables you don't know about. I.e. they could have an open relationship, she cheated on him last week, one of them doesn't enjoy sex so the other one can cheat.. The list goes on and on.
Growing up I was never the social one so I didn't often have the problem of getting into everyone's business. I stood on the sidelines. I read and I learned. I let other people's lives teach me what to do and what not to do. It's not hard to see why I ended up studying human communication. Humans and their behaviors fascinate me.
I'll pick on my sister here. I've always been puzzled with why she can go to a spot and always pick out the one or two people that are looking at her cross. Never in my life have I noticed the same!! If we pick apart the possible reasons for this "cold" look we come up with the following: Jealousy, Drunken stupor, Admiration, etc. Why make an assumption when it's just going to stir you up and cause a possible negative reaction. The truth is that some people were not shown proper public ettiquette. Who are they to have some power over your life? Know those facts and move on. Don't spend another moment caring or even thinking about them.
Here's the tough example: relationships. Many of you know my stance on this. I will never say that it is easy to end a relationship. I have been through some that have left me speechless and feeling like there's a huge hole in my heart. I can get mad, I can call the man every name in the book (and sometimes yes he deserves it), I can go out looking like a damn fool, but for what.
My reality has always been this. If you know yourself and you know that you've behaved with dignity and class, why should anything else matter. There are always going to be a multitude of reasons for why people break up. A. Maybe one partner wasn't mature enough B. One had too much residual relationship damage. C. Timing was just bad.. With all those variables in the air, what can you possibly do but to move on with your head held high. Turning it over and over again in your head wont make you feel better when most likely it can be summed up in A, B, or C. The underlying truth is the person didn't see your great worth and it's their loss.
I remember once learning in a psychology class that people can not be changed by any hand other than their own. Think about it that way. You're two pieces of a larger puzzle, and you just don't fit. You can't cheat the puzzle and make it conform. You have to move on knowing the right piece will be out there and you'll soon find it.
Making judgements about another's life is difficult. Think about it when you know how it feels to have others judge you. I'm proud to have friends I love and respect. Sometimes their decisions puzzle me. Sometimes I may take them, chew them on for size, and think about how I'd respond in that situation. If the friend asks, I share that advice but if not, I allow myself to be a place to bounce ideas off of. You can't force someone to do as you do. You have to let them learn and do their own growing. They've had a different life and their reality might be a lot different than yours. The only thing you can do is be there and be supportive...
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A world of definitions
As far back as I have memories I can remember my life always being full of foresight and openess. My sister was young, maybe 14 when she met a guy at a concert. It was an outdoor concert and I remember following her coat tails when she met up with and flirted with a guy who lived in Phoenix. Phoenix now is as unintimidating as a city comes, but back then it was a world of mystery. A world of danger as my parents would make it seem, since we were forbidden to cross the barrier from Tempe. This Phoenix guy was dreamy, tall, light skinned, bald. I remember back then it was the thing to date someone who was outside of the circle. Someone, who in all honestly, you didn’t date, at least by today’s definition. Dating then entailed talking for hours on the phone, about basically nothing, under the covers in your pitch black room and falling asleep hours later to the sound of each other’s breathing. My sister was young, saw the guy once and weeks later, had their first long distance argument. I remember being in the vicinity, probably listening at the door to my sister’s every move, and trying to be cool as I tried to empathize with her. At one point I recall taking the phone, talking to her boyfriend and coming up with an idea. The directions were this “Each of you take a piece of paper and write down all the things that annoy you about each other. For everything that annoys you write something that you like about each other. After you’re done, read the list to each other”… Brilliant I know. Even at a young age I realized this true reality of life. Your world was about defining the big and little things. It’s about defining what matters and most importantly it was about defining your definitions.
I still see the world that way. I still am constantly picking apart the pieces of my friend's relationships, giving them reflection. Giving them the steps they need to step outside themselves and absorb the truth of the matter. To find out which conversations they're having and which ones they're not. I never understand why people compare themselves to others, why the get upset when faced by another relationship. I remember once having a conversation with a boyfriend and saying, the thing is “I believe in making our own definitions. What you and I define as being boyfriend and girlfriend needs to come with our joint efforts and earnest communication. I can’t expect you to know and you can’t expect me to know. I can’t expect all these things of you without expressing that I need those things”…
I remember once I was online reading a personal when a guy said in the most rhythmic and poetic of words that his solemn promise was “that I will never place you in a box”. He went on to say that he would never judge, make assumptions, or make her into something he subconsciously wanted. This to me was true beauty, in that he was giving the woman freedom to be. To be herself, to become who she was really meant to be, no boundaries, just promise of faithful and steadfast commitment.
Traditional definitions to me are very scary, people in 2010 still in large part see their happily ever after in nuclear shells of a former world. Husband, wife, and 2.5 kids. The father at work, the mother at home, and the children obedient. Is that definition wrong, absolutely not. What’s wrong I believe is when the world at large, uses that example to judge other’s lives. Case in point, the other day I was out and I came across two people who seemed to know me in a former life. One walks up to me, lifts my hand and begins to speak ill towards men and their blindness. “How do you fail to see a treasure right in front of you”, he asked? The second of the two goes on and on about how her son has FINALLY found the one and how it was going to happen soon. I won’t go into how long the two have been dating (ummm.. six weeks) or go into details about why she said to me ‘it’ll happen to you too” without me so much as giving a word on my current relationship…
I wonder about these definitions and I think long and hard about mine. As a kid, as a maturing young woman, and now as an adult. Do I have all the answers?? Definitely not. But remembering my dreams I always lived with the image of having an honest and reflective relationship. One where I felt comfort, an honest respect for the other person, a humor about life, a strong sense of self, an exchange of intellect, a deep understanding of each others goals, values, and character and a spirit of honesty. All virtues that to this day are what matter most. Kids, they never emerged, a white picket fence, not there. Dreams change I realize and I suppose mine can one day too, but I wish I could be respected for my definition, whatever it is. No judgement, no sorrow, no fears for my ultimate happiness. I want to be promised to be kept outside a box.. I want the freedom to be loved for myself, and my own world of definitions..
I still see the world that way. I still am constantly picking apart the pieces of my friend's relationships, giving them reflection. Giving them the steps they need to step outside themselves and absorb the truth of the matter. To find out which conversations they're having and which ones they're not. I never understand why people compare themselves to others, why the get upset when faced by another relationship. I remember once having a conversation with a boyfriend and saying, the thing is “I believe in making our own definitions. What you and I define as being boyfriend and girlfriend needs to come with our joint efforts and earnest communication. I can’t expect you to know and you can’t expect me to know. I can’t expect all these things of you without expressing that I need those things”…
I remember once I was online reading a personal when a guy said in the most rhythmic and poetic of words that his solemn promise was “that I will never place you in a box”. He went on to say that he would never judge, make assumptions, or make her into something he subconsciously wanted. This to me was true beauty, in that he was giving the woman freedom to be. To be herself, to become who she was really meant to be, no boundaries, just promise of faithful and steadfast commitment.
Traditional definitions to me are very scary, people in 2010 still in large part see their happily ever after in nuclear shells of a former world. Husband, wife, and 2.5 kids. The father at work, the mother at home, and the children obedient. Is that definition wrong, absolutely not. What’s wrong I believe is when the world at large, uses that example to judge other’s lives. Case in point, the other day I was out and I came across two people who seemed to know me in a former life. One walks up to me, lifts my hand and begins to speak ill towards men and their blindness. “How do you fail to see a treasure right in front of you”, he asked? The second of the two goes on and on about how her son has FINALLY found the one and how it was going to happen soon. I won’t go into how long the two have been dating (ummm.. six weeks) or go into details about why she said to me ‘it’ll happen to you too” without me so much as giving a word on my current relationship…
I wonder about these definitions and I think long and hard about mine. As a kid, as a maturing young woman, and now as an adult. Do I have all the answers?? Definitely not. But remembering my dreams I always lived with the image of having an honest and reflective relationship. One where I felt comfort, an honest respect for the other person, a humor about life, a strong sense of self, an exchange of intellect, a deep understanding of each others goals, values, and character and a spirit of honesty. All virtues that to this day are what matter most. Kids, they never emerged, a white picket fence, not there. Dreams change I realize and I suppose mine can one day too, but I wish I could be respected for my definition, whatever it is. No judgement, no sorrow, no fears for my ultimate happiness. I want to be promised to be kept outside a box.. I want the freedom to be loved for myself, and my own world of definitions..
Friday, August 6, 2010
I’m a leaky faucet
“You said she’s your heart” the minister says obviously touched, and I blink quickly as my gaze glosses over.
“She’s my niece” a close family friend says to one of my coworkers.
A guy sees a rainbow after a difficult break-up and is instantly calmed by this sign. One his mother, on her dying bed, proclaimed to be a symbol of her future presence.
I’m watching the show “What will you do?” and they set up a situation in which the store owner discriminates against a Muslim, refusing the young woman service. A man politely addresses the owner, bravely attempting to teach the man and show his disappointment. He goes on to give a touching story of patience and respect and again my eyes burn.
When you’re emotional, people don’t know how to react. “Snap out of it”, they might bark! A laugh and sarcastic reply is also common. I’ve tried to figure out why drops fall when I watch Lifetime tv or hairs stand up in the back of my neck when I see some sort of injustice.
I read today that Jada Pincket Smith said that your life should be lived like a work of art. Translation of this, for me, means that you have to live a life that represents you. A life that if you had kids you would be proud of (don’t ask me why but for some this marks a decision as to act, like they can’t be moved to ethical behavior without setting an example for a miniature version of themselves). In my life it includes caring for and being there for those who have been constant friends. It means appreciating those same friends, appreciating the simple things AND the big miracles of life. It means standing up for injustice and validating my biggest values by my actions. Most importantly it is being able to stare at myself in the mirror each morning and night. This to me, is a beautiful thing. And beauty, I’ve come to learn, brings emotion!
“She’s my niece” a close family friend says to one of my coworkers.
A guy sees a rainbow after a difficult break-up and is instantly calmed by this sign. One his mother, on her dying bed, proclaimed to be a symbol of her future presence.
I’m watching the show “What will you do?” and they set up a situation in which the store owner discriminates against a Muslim, refusing the young woman service. A man politely addresses the owner, bravely attempting to teach the man and show his disappointment. He goes on to give a touching story of patience and respect and again my eyes burn.
When you’re emotional, people don’t know how to react. “Snap out of it”, they might bark! A laugh and sarcastic reply is also common. I’ve tried to figure out why drops fall when I watch Lifetime tv or hairs stand up in the back of my neck when I see some sort of injustice.
I read today that Jada Pincket Smith said that your life should be lived like a work of art. Translation of this, for me, means that you have to live a life that represents you. A life that if you had kids you would be proud of (don’t ask me why but for some this marks a decision as to act, like they can’t be moved to ethical behavior without setting an example for a miniature version of themselves). In my life it includes caring for and being there for those who have been constant friends. It means appreciating those same friends, appreciating the simple things AND the big miracles of life. It means standing up for injustice and validating my biggest values by my actions. Most importantly it is being able to stare at myself in the mirror each morning and night. This to me, is a beautiful thing. And beauty, I’ve come to learn, brings emotion!
Friday, July 9, 2010
It's just another day
It's just another day, I get up, walk the dog, take a bath, get dressed, eat breakfast, get in the car.
As I walk outside I hear the birds in song, smell the flowers in bloom, hear the children at play. Things that normally would pass my attention.
I walk into work, smile, laugh, pass the day away with a feeling of inner calm.
I get off work, stop by the store, run more errands, feel the sun warm the surface of my face as I walk down the street.
I get home, change into my p.j.s, grab some chai tea, relax into my comfy couch.
It's just another day, but it's not, because today was the day you came into the world..
It's just another day, but somehow it's not ordinary, because you make every thing brighter..
It's just another day...
As I walk outside I hear the birds in song, smell the flowers in bloom, hear the children at play. Things that normally would pass my attention.
I walk into work, smile, laugh, pass the day away with a feeling of inner calm.
I get off work, stop by the store, run more errands, feel the sun warm the surface of my face as I walk down the street.
I get home, change into my p.j.s, grab some chai tea, relax into my comfy couch.
It's just another day, but it's not, because today was the day you came into the world..
It's just another day, but somehow it's not ordinary, because you make every thing brighter..
It's just another day...
Friday, July 2, 2010
I haven't had a lot of relationships...
I haven't had a lot of relationships. The first boy I ever kissed, kissed me in the middle of the mall while I was mid thought. He pulled out my chair, I walked around him and pulled out my own. Next kiss happened 7 years later at 21. I was flirting and all of a sudden somehow ended up making out in a dark room. I don't remember much how that happened. In between I had one date. It was earlier in my 21st year and one night he went out to wash his car. He offered to wash mine but it was 9pm, too late to be out on a school night.
The first guy I had a relationship with was my second kiss. The second was a guy who had to blow into a device to get his car to start. The next of the dating pool weren't one in a million. A wanna-be celebrity, a wanna-be writer, a wanna-be pimp, a wanna-be man's man, a wanna-be comedian; a whole lot of wanna-bes, a whole lack of really-be. I remember one taking me to the hood where he lived, into the house to find five people sitting AA style in the front room, nothing in the room but lawn chairs and a fish tank with a smelly snake.
I've had some men come calling with a tool belt when needed, some make me laugh when the only thing I want to do was cry. Some make me realize what true chivelry is, what real integrity is, what a real man is. I've found one who has gotten me, one who've I've gotten, one who wants to know, one who I want to know, one who understands me better than I understand myself.
From each, I've changed. I've hurt a little, healed a little, hated a little, loved a little, regressed a little, matured a little.
Over the years there's been a lot of bumps in the road. Some great detours, some spectacular views, some dangerous and stupid trails, some humorous, some scary, some huge, some small. I've been on many roads. I've come to the realization that the best one was the one I directed myself. I haven't had a lot of relationships but I know this, once I figured out my road, my path, mySELF, that's when the best was waiting to tackle the road with me...
The first guy I had a relationship with was my second kiss. The second was a guy who had to blow into a device to get his car to start. The next of the dating pool weren't one in a million. A wanna-be celebrity, a wanna-be writer, a wanna-be pimp, a wanna-be man's man, a wanna-be comedian; a whole lot of wanna-bes, a whole lack of really-be. I remember one taking me to the hood where he lived, into the house to find five people sitting AA style in the front room, nothing in the room but lawn chairs and a fish tank with a smelly snake.
I've had some men come calling with a tool belt when needed, some make me laugh when the only thing I want to do was cry. Some make me realize what true chivelry is, what real integrity is, what a real man is. I've found one who has gotten me, one who've I've gotten, one who wants to know, one who I want to know, one who understands me better than I understand myself.
From each, I've changed. I've hurt a little, healed a little, hated a little, loved a little, regressed a little, matured a little.
Over the years there's been a lot of bumps in the road. Some great detours, some spectacular views, some dangerous and stupid trails, some humorous, some scary, some huge, some small. I've been on many roads. I've come to the realization that the best one was the one I directed myself. I haven't had a lot of relationships but I know this, once I figured out my road, my path, mySELF, that's when the best was waiting to tackle the road with me...
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