I've always been a person who self-reflects.. As a matter of fact, I'd say I can't leave any situation without
I often think about what my actions and choices say about me. I won't go so far as to say I try to be a good person because "good" is subjective. For me all that matters is that I'm living my authentic truth -- that I'm growing and learning every day. That I'm shaping my life full of my own personal convictions
I'm about to be 40 in few months and what I realized is that thus far I've lived a life I can admire...
I've accomplished the most stringent of challenges (grad school about caused me to have a stroke), and been blessed enough to travel the world (my greatest joy -- well maybe second to good sex ;).. lol). I've done work I found meaningful and in many ways rewarding...
I care about people (humanity in general but mostly friends/family, let's face it strangers can be annoying) -- I try my best in situations to act out of love. Not filtering this verb by people's actions but by the fact that they matter and I care about them in spite of and because of their strengths and weaknesses.
I live a life free of judgement -- You can own five pigs and let them sleep in your bed, you could have been a criminal in a past or this life, you can kiss frogs, practice a dominant/submissive lifestyle, make a living as an escort, or marry your sister's ex-husband if you want. Makes no difference to me. If I'm honest I'm more curious as to why people make choices than to feel a need to conform them to my standards.
Why am I writing this tonight?? I see every day people post things (some intended to be funny, some not) about other people and it just bothers me. It's almost the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. I can never ever seem to understand the purpose. I don't understand how or why people find it amusing or just to feel that their life experiences are supreme and therefore they're entitled to do anything, much less label others. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do, where you come from.. this shouldn't be your right.
The lesson of our lifetime... the lesson we still strive to teach in civil rights laws and in classrooms is that we're all just people, and we all carry within ourselves different values, morals, priorities, life experiences and histories. No two people will have the same notion of right or wrong, define life in the same way, or see the same situation thru the same lens. That's what's beautiful about the world.
Realize that all the mistakes people make are their own to make, their experiences to have, their lessons to learn, their growth to be had. And more than that, realize that they may not even view them as mistakes.
So just stop.. and before you act or speak, mind your business!!! ... lol
I think all we can do in life is act in kindness and compassion. We can't expect to have all the answers but instead be humble when we realize we don't. Life is a lesson and if we're lucky enough to live it we should do just that,... concentrate on our own living!!
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Sunday, May 26, 2019
this thing called love... defined by one
So the story goes like this..
You see that fine ass man across the room, you lock eyes, and then you just know... right?
That's what all the books say. You feel tingles, butterflies, the harp playing in the background, the heavens open up and wollla, as they say "the rest is history"
Is it naive to say I bought into the hype. I read the books, watched the hallmark movies, felt the blood rush through my veins and was convinced that there was a sequence to this thing called love.
But when reality struck... it was messy, it was damn ugly.. and it was me screaming at the top of my lungs about how horrible and painful this shit reallly is...
Horrible because what they don't tell you is that love can be all-consuming. What the books are right in saying is that you can be completely knocked off your feet. What they DON'T say is that you don't always lose your wind by gasping at the beauty of it. You literally knock the wind out by slipping and falling, and the shit of it is, you were paying attention to every step you took...
You see you want so badly to make the shit work because you feel like you can. You've got all the skills, you've studied all the books, movies, watched Dr. Phil a time or 2000. But like all people, you are just human and generally we all fail before we succeed.. and failure is just... well it's damn painful.
What everyone knows is that it's the first 3 months that put the stars in our eyes. It's that time when people make sure to actually listen to all their mommas told them about how to treat a woman or cater to a man. It's opening doors, it's swallowing the meal that's barely edible, it's sitting through an evening with his/her friends that make you want to stab your eye out. It's all the things we do to leave an impression.
But it's not the happy times that will bring about that joy. Its the sunshine at the end of the thunderstorm. It's the argument which leads to the most intense and eye-opening conversation. It's the growth that comes after you realize that his street single parent upbringing and your middle class two parent home, has taught you two completely different senses of reality. It's the knowledge that two can become one mind and create a world that values each other's differences.
I'm a person who has had a book in my hand for as long as I can remember. And I'm just gonna be real and say most of them had some element of love. Love always fascinated me. It was always my secret wish. It was the thing I wasn't willing to compromise on.
It just had to make me giddy. It had to make me laugh. It had to bring about tears. It had to make me FEEL.. I mean deep all the way around... I had to be moveeeddddd... And if it didn't, it wasn't what I wanted. I was happy just existing on my own. I enjoyed my own company more than being bored with someone who just checked the right boxes.
But when I found it, I realized... Damn, it's not always all you think it should be. It's not always fair, or just, or patient, or kind. It's sometimes an asshole, and sometimes a miracle. It's often a high, yet sometimes a low. It jumps inside you and digs at you, it jumps on your very damn last nerve.. but in the end when you face it, if it was real for you, you realize one very important thing, it matters. It was worth every damn day, hour, minute, and second.
Whether a lifetime or a quick blimp of a summer romance, it creates more personal lessons than anything else could possibly bring. It helps us see ourselves, it helps us see our convictions, understand our priorities, and face who we truly are. It's the tool that turns a rock into a rare gem, shining and shaping us. Helping us see ourselves a little clearer, and allowing us to step into ourselves with confidence, beauty, and gratitude.
You see that fine ass man across the room, you lock eyes, and then you just know... right?
That's what all the books say. You feel tingles, butterflies, the harp playing in the background, the heavens open up and wollla, as they say "the rest is history"
Is it naive to say I bought into the hype. I read the books, watched the hallmark movies, felt the blood rush through my veins and was convinced that there was a sequence to this thing called love.
But when reality struck... it was messy, it was damn ugly.. and it was me screaming at the top of my lungs about how horrible and painful this shit reallly is...
Horrible because what they don't tell you is that love can be all-consuming. What the books are right in saying is that you can be completely knocked off your feet. What they DON'T say is that you don't always lose your wind by gasping at the beauty of it. You literally knock the wind out by slipping and falling, and the shit of it is, you were paying attention to every step you took...
You see you want so badly to make the shit work because you feel like you can. You've got all the skills, you've studied all the books, movies, watched Dr. Phil a time or 2000. But like all people, you are just human and generally we all fail before we succeed.. and failure is just... well it's damn painful.
What everyone knows is that it's the first 3 months that put the stars in our eyes. It's that time when people make sure to actually listen to all their mommas told them about how to treat a woman or cater to a man. It's opening doors, it's swallowing the meal that's barely edible, it's sitting through an evening with his/her friends that make you want to stab your eye out. It's all the things we do to leave an impression.
But it's not the happy times that will bring about that joy. Its the sunshine at the end of the thunderstorm. It's the argument which leads to the most intense and eye-opening conversation. It's the growth that comes after you realize that his street single parent upbringing and your middle class two parent home, has taught you two completely different senses of reality. It's the knowledge that two can become one mind and create a world that values each other's differences.
I'm a person who has had a book in my hand for as long as I can remember. And I'm just gonna be real and say most of them had some element of love. Love always fascinated me. It was always my secret wish. It was the thing I wasn't willing to compromise on.
It just had to make me giddy. It had to make me laugh. It had to bring about tears. It had to make me FEEL.. I mean deep all the way around... I had to be moveeeddddd... And if it didn't, it wasn't what I wanted. I was happy just existing on my own. I enjoyed my own company more than being bored with someone who just checked the right boxes.
But when I found it, I realized... Damn, it's not always all you think it should be. It's not always fair, or just, or patient, or kind. It's sometimes an asshole, and sometimes a miracle. It's often a high, yet sometimes a low. It jumps inside you and digs at you, it jumps on your very damn last nerve.. but in the end when you face it, if it was real for you, you realize one very important thing, it matters. It was worth every damn day, hour, minute, and second.
Whether a lifetime or a quick blimp of a summer romance, it creates more personal lessons than anything else could possibly bring. It helps us see ourselves, it helps us see our convictions, understand our priorities, and face who we truly are. It's the tool that turns a rock into a rare gem, shining and shaping us. Helping us see ourselves a little clearer, and allowing us to step into ourselves with confidence, beauty, and gratitude.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Online dating.. the new reality?
So I'm the chick that never gets out. I do the whole work to home, home to work routine with few pit stops in between. I've never been much to go out solo to a happy hour or to socialize mid-week, so as a single, healthy, attractive woman my options to meet eligible bachelors have been few. A few years ago I enter into the world of online dating.
Online dating gets a unique rap... Some people say its unnatural, its just filled with losers and perverts, that nobody is serious, that its a set up for failure. While I get that and sometimes agree, I think to myself "well damn I'm on here and I know I'm no loser" but I got to say lately I've seriously contemplated this revolution..
Is online dating the new normal? When you're grown up and not in school, how do you meet people? When I reflect I realize I've only been approached in places outside the club at a bookstore and gas station? Men rarely speak up and approach a woman while they're out running errands... The fact is technology is the age we're currently living, people do everything online, shop, pay bills, research, read, they even order groceries through the net. Who goes out any more? Does this mean we have to wrap our minds around this new normal of online dating??
My experiences with online dating have been mixed... I've exchanged dates with some decent, respectable men. I've also met some sleezy, disrespectful idiots. Of late I seem to meet the guys that use it as a way to corral women and will ask you to meet them before you even exchange names. Maybe they're trying to quickly flip the experience to one that is more organic or old-school .. I've also found the guys that think that because I'm responding to them I'm making a bold commitment to be with them. They've claimed me and are taking me out of the single woman pond.. smdh
The thing that puzzles me the most and that honestly makes me dislike this new online revolution is the ADD (attention deficit disorder) syndrome. This occurs when a person looks at one person and begins a genuine dialogue with them (for weeks, sometimes months). However while they're doing this, they're online every day looking for more: the bigger better option. Maybe I can find a chick a little cuter, maybe I can find a chick with a body that's just a little bit better.. I recently discussed this with a friend who said that while he doesn't online date, he also practices the ADD syndrome and that the fact that its not online makes it somewhat less blatant.. In other words, the fact that these sites show you that a dude is "online today" is just what's hurting the game... Facebook shows all your dirt, dating sites show it just as much. Life is now just lived very publicly. While I understand that our age is now prone to technology, it saddens me.
It makes me sad that it is more rare than common that I feel a sense of being courted by a man because of what technology lets me see. Its sad that you can't let trust build with someone in a natural way and that instead it's common to do a quick google/Facebook search to get some dirt (and that believe it or not most men are no longer offended and instead expect it). I hate that if I do "innocently" befriend someone on Facebook, my reality is distorted and that I can no longer take things at face value because doing so will make me naive. I hate more that if I choose not to befriend someone so I can let things develop in an old-fashion organtic way, that now I have something to hide. While I am one for change and growth. I wish we could be old school about things such as manners, chivalry, getting to really know someone, and courting. It saddens me that it is veeerrryyy likely my nieces and future daughters wont get to experience that and that instead they get to have their reality be distorted by technology.
Online dating gets a unique rap... Some people say its unnatural, its just filled with losers and perverts, that nobody is serious, that its a set up for failure. While I get that and sometimes agree, I think to myself "well damn I'm on here and I know I'm no loser" but I got to say lately I've seriously contemplated this revolution..
Is online dating the new normal? When you're grown up and not in school, how do you meet people? When I reflect I realize I've only been approached in places outside the club at a bookstore and gas station? Men rarely speak up and approach a woman while they're out running errands... The fact is technology is the age we're currently living, people do everything online, shop, pay bills, research, read, they even order groceries through the net. Who goes out any more? Does this mean we have to wrap our minds around this new normal of online dating??
My experiences with online dating have been mixed... I've exchanged dates with some decent, respectable men. I've also met some sleezy, disrespectful idiots. Of late I seem to meet the guys that use it as a way to corral women and will ask you to meet them before you even exchange names. Maybe they're trying to quickly flip the experience to one that is more organic or old-school .. I've also found the guys that think that because I'm responding to them I'm making a bold commitment to be with them. They've claimed me and are taking me out of the single woman pond.. smdh
The thing that puzzles me the most and that honestly makes me dislike this new online revolution is the ADD (attention deficit disorder) syndrome. This occurs when a person looks at one person and begins a genuine dialogue with them (for weeks, sometimes months). However while they're doing this, they're online every day looking for more: the bigger better option. Maybe I can find a chick a little cuter, maybe I can find a chick with a body that's just a little bit better.. I recently discussed this with a friend who said that while he doesn't online date, he also practices the ADD syndrome and that the fact that its not online makes it somewhat less blatant.. In other words, the fact that these sites show you that a dude is "online today" is just what's hurting the game... Facebook shows all your dirt, dating sites show it just as much. Life is now just lived very publicly. While I understand that our age is now prone to technology, it saddens me.
It makes me sad that it is more rare than common that I feel a sense of being courted by a man because of what technology lets me see. Its sad that you can't let trust build with someone in a natural way and that instead it's common to do a quick google/Facebook search to get some dirt (and that believe it or not most men are no longer offended and instead expect it). I hate that if I do "innocently" befriend someone on Facebook, my reality is distorted and that I can no longer take things at face value because doing so will make me naive. I hate more that if I choose not to befriend someone so I can let things develop in an old-fashion organtic way, that now I have something to hide. While I am one for change and growth. I wish we could be old school about things such as manners, chivalry, getting to really know someone, and courting. It saddens me that it is veeerrryyy likely my nieces and future daughters wont get to experience that and that instead they get to have their reality be distorted by technology.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
sin-ser-i-tee
Sincerity [sin-ser-i-tee]... freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.
I add this definition because I think very few people really know the definition of sincerity. It seems that throughout the years whenever I have had a disagreement with a friend it was due to a perception of deceipt on my part.
These experiences throws me off every time because my mind doesn't live in a world of deception or hypocrisy. While my intellect might be deep, it's deep with information. It's not deep in anything else. As a matter of fact, I hate to state the truth but I am quite a "dumb blond" at times. My morning does not start by asking myself how I can make someone BE who I want them to be or DO what I want them to do. I don't try to set up the world as I want it. I try to set up the world as it should be, a place where people can be themselves and feel comfortable risking that rawness with a friend or lover. I want to support and uplift. I want to be a refuge to those who I care about. If a lover isn't what I want and need, instead of molding (or being disillusioned that I am capable of changing a whole lifetime of what defines them), I respectfully release that fish back into the sea. A world of disillusion at this stage in my life is torture, its the equivalent of a massive never ending headache. Something that those who know me well, know I want to invest little precious time or energy on. All you have to do is read my face and that reality becomes quite clear..
But today I stop to wonder why.. Why would someone imagine a person who by all accounts has shown sincerity, to be anything but.
My conclusion... I think at times we get caught up in our histories.. The histories of those that came before.. Philosopical writers such as Herman Simon would call these psychological short cuts. Their sole purpose is to help us weed through the barrage of information that get thrown at us on a daily basis.
Our internal conversations go something like this: "Why did she talk about that to her?" Oh, she must have a bottom line because you know what.. last time something similiar happened with this girl Beth and what she was doing was..."
Sound familiar? I'm sure you can fill in the blanks...
Is it normal this dialogue, absolutely. Is there anything we can do to stop it? I would say have a sincere talk but let's be honest, that conversation takes bravery. Let's face it most of us aren't brave. We are afraid of what might end up being on the other side of that conversation.
For those who know your subject well, I would implore you to tally your experiences and interactions with them. What have they done or said to show you a lack of sincerity and a deceptive nature. If the pros outweight the cons.. ok, write them off.. Move on knowing you are validated by getting rid of dead weight. Weight that will only add to a drowning, an inevitable demise. Nobody needs that energy around. It's okay, let that fool go.. I give you permission!! Some friends are meant for a moment and lesson, not a lifetime!
If instead, they've shown a great deal of civility, character and honesty. Weight that as well.. Stop and redirect that internal conversation you're having, reconfigure those psychological short cuts. Examine the definition of sin-ser-i-tee and don't trap yourself into a short cut. Instead, nurture and protect that relationship. Allow it to flourish and grow. Get your ass out of that corner, stand up straight, speak up, and be brave!! Speak words of healing and hold on to the precious gem you have in front of you.. That, my friend, is one of those rare friendship of a lifetime!
I add this definition because I think very few people really know the definition of sincerity. It seems that throughout the years whenever I have had a disagreement with a friend it was due to a perception of deceipt on my part.
These experiences throws me off every time because my mind doesn't live in a world of deception or hypocrisy. While my intellect might be deep, it's deep with information. It's not deep in anything else. As a matter of fact, I hate to state the truth but I am quite a "dumb blond" at times. My morning does not start by asking myself how I can make someone BE who I want them to be or DO what I want them to do. I don't try to set up the world as I want it. I try to set up the world as it should be, a place where people can be themselves and feel comfortable risking that rawness with a friend or lover. I want to support and uplift. I want to be a refuge to those who I care about. If a lover isn't what I want and need, instead of molding (or being disillusioned that I am capable of changing a whole lifetime of what defines them), I respectfully release that fish back into the sea. A world of disillusion at this stage in my life is torture, its the equivalent of a massive never ending headache. Something that those who know me well, know I want to invest little precious time or energy on. All you have to do is read my face and that reality becomes quite clear..
But today I stop to wonder why.. Why would someone imagine a person who by all accounts has shown sincerity, to be anything but.
My conclusion... I think at times we get caught up in our histories.. The histories of those that came before.. Philosopical writers such as Herman Simon would call these psychological short cuts. Their sole purpose is to help us weed through the barrage of information that get thrown at us on a daily basis.
Our internal conversations go something like this: "Why did she talk about that to her?" Oh, she must have a bottom line because you know what.. last time something similiar happened with this girl Beth and what she was doing was..."
Sound familiar? I'm sure you can fill in the blanks...
Is it normal this dialogue, absolutely. Is there anything we can do to stop it? I would say have a sincere talk but let's be honest, that conversation takes bravery. Let's face it most of us aren't brave. We are afraid of what might end up being on the other side of that conversation.
For those who know your subject well, I would implore you to tally your experiences and interactions with them. What have they done or said to show you a lack of sincerity and a deceptive nature. If the pros outweight the cons.. ok, write them off.. Move on knowing you are validated by getting rid of dead weight. Weight that will only add to a drowning, an inevitable demise. Nobody needs that energy around. It's okay, let that fool go.. I give you permission!! Some friends are meant for a moment and lesson, not a lifetime!
If instead, they've shown a great deal of civility, character and honesty. Weight that as well.. Stop and redirect that internal conversation you're having, reconfigure those psychological short cuts. Examine the definition of sin-ser-i-tee and don't trap yourself into a short cut. Instead, nurture and protect that relationship. Allow it to flourish and grow. Get your ass out of that corner, stand up straight, speak up, and be brave!! Speak words of healing and hold on to the precious gem you have in front of you.. That, my friend, is one of those rare friendship of a lifetime!
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
perfect girl or perfect time
So we all know right now there are two main themes in my life -- being single, and finishing graduate school. As this is my reality, I will apologize now for the one dimensional side of my recent blogs.. I was going to bite my tongue on this one but recent reflections have caused me to place the microscope, once again, on the differences between men and women when they're dating.. Some of you may find this information to be faulty and that's fine, I love an open dialogue and I never claim to have written the textbook on the opposite sex and dating.. but.. this is some good food for thought.
I have maybe in my life had a handful of relationships that I would consider substantial. The first guy didn't show up until I was nearly 22. He was a jokester and I was pulled in by his charisma.. In retrospect, I tried to convince myself of its foundation, but it was more like a house built on quick stand; unrealistic, a fantasy, a fleeting moment..
The next man courted me "hard core", he pursued, he was down to get his woman!! I tried to convince myself that I was as infatuated, but honest truth is, he annoyed the hell out of me. Nothing he did, just his whole being. While I thought he was a great guy, our aura's (if you believe in such a thing) fought daily!!
A large gap existed between him and the next. A guy who was absolutely gorgeous, a friend, someone who was always trying to please me. That ended because he didn't know himself and was trying to live in the moment. At times I didn't know what that moment was, I didn't know who or what he wanted. To this day, I believe he didn't either.
Lastly came a man that was perfect on paper. Everything I thought I wanted. Behind the scenes, not so much. You know what they say, sometimes love blinds us.. All I can say about him is that he was a lesson I needed to learn. Without him, I probably would continue to live in a fantasy of what a relationship is, not facing the actual work and responsibility that it takes.
When I contemplate all these men, and my relationships with them I notice one thing is true. Not a single one was at a place to really commit to a relationship. Their actions showed or they claimed they weren't ready, they needed to get the bigger house, or buy the car that had them looking like they had it all together. They were waiting for everything to be "perfect", there was the claim of "timing".
It's funny because I think of these experiences and those of my girlfriends, and the resulting perspective is the same. A man, by his very nature, is socialized and trained to provide. To be the protectors, the gatekeepers, the foundation. I won't claim not to admire and respect that. Fact is, that trait is sexy as hell. Biblical or not, I want a man who can make me feel safe, not only physically but financially and emotionally. I think that is an extremely admirable position to want to be in.
When I think about these men though, I think about women and our perspective on the issue. I have had many a conversation with my three (maybe four) exes. When I see my parents, or my siblings and their relationships, I see them taking that life journey together. The ups and the downs, validating, supporting, witnessing. I don't see that there ever really is a "perfect". Life is a journey, and you struggle one year, and you're on top the next. Waiting for that "perfect" has you being stuck in a position where life has passed you by...
Recently I told a friend that this experience makes me feel like men build themselves up to be in the right position and when that next "worthy" lady comes, its all game! They're ready to say "we're ready for something substantial, something concrete, maybe even for the whole white picket fence".. Before that, forget it... Women on the other hand, we look for that elusive soul mate, that person who will be all the stuff the romance books are made of. lol.. The person we can be physically attracted to, that gets us on a 1000 levels... They just want to battle the storm with that man by their side.. We fight the battle of the right man and think little about timing..
As I have said, this is my theory, and it may be wrong.. I am wondering.. what do you guys think?
I have maybe in my life had a handful of relationships that I would consider substantial. The first guy didn't show up until I was nearly 22. He was a jokester and I was pulled in by his charisma.. In retrospect, I tried to convince myself of its foundation, but it was more like a house built on quick stand; unrealistic, a fantasy, a fleeting moment..
The next man courted me "hard core", he pursued, he was down to get his woman!! I tried to convince myself that I was as infatuated, but honest truth is, he annoyed the hell out of me. Nothing he did, just his whole being. While I thought he was a great guy, our aura's (if you believe in such a thing) fought daily!!
A large gap existed between him and the next. A guy who was absolutely gorgeous, a friend, someone who was always trying to please me. That ended because he didn't know himself and was trying to live in the moment. At times I didn't know what that moment was, I didn't know who or what he wanted. To this day, I believe he didn't either.
Lastly came a man that was perfect on paper. Everything I thought I wanted. Behind the scenes, not so much. You know what they say, sometimes love blinds us.. All I can say about him is that he was a lesson I needed to learn. Without him, I probably would continue to live in a fantasy of what a relationship is, not facing the actual work and responsibility that it takes.
When I contemplate all these men, and my relationships with them I notice one thing is true. Not a single one was at a place to really commit to a relationship. Their actions showed or they claimed they weren't ready, they needed to get the bigger house, or buy the car that had them looking like they had it all together. They were waiting for everything to be "perfect", there was the claim of "timing".
It's funny because I think of these experiences and those of my girlfriends, and the resulting perspective is the same. A man, by his very nature, is socialized and trained to provide. To be the protectors, the gatekeepers, the foundation. I won't claim not to admire and respect that. Fact is, that trait is sexy as hell. Biblical or not, I want a man who can make me feel safe, not only physically but financially and emotionally. I think that is an extremely admirable position to want to be in.
When I think about these men though, I think about women and our perspective on the issue. I have had many a conversation with my three (maybe four) exes. When I see my parents, or my siblings and their relationships, I see them taking that life journey together. The ups and the downs, validating, supporting, witnessing. I don't see that there ever really is a "perfect". Life is a journey, and you struggle one year, and you're on top the next. Waiting for that "perfect" has you being stuck in a position where life has passed you by...
Recently I told a friend that this experience makes me feel like men build themselves up to be in the right position and when that next "worthy" lady comes, its all game! They're ready to say "we're ready for something substantial, something concrete, maybe even for the whole white picket fence".. Before that, forget it... Women on the other hand, we look for that elusive soul mate, that person who will be all the stuff the romance books are made of. lol.. The person we can be physically attracted to, that gets us on a 1000 levels... They just want to battle the storm with that man by their side.. We fight the battle of the right man and think little about timing..
As I have said, this is my theory, and it may be wrong.. I am wondering.. what do you guys think?
Thursday, May 29, 2014
why we forgive...
The past few months of my life have been difficult ones. I have faced some ups and downs in different areas of my life. I have had people I care about judge and pick apart my choices. While in no way is that easy and in some respects I might disagree I have challenged myself to be open to their viewpoints, experience and interpretations. As my family and friends know I am constantly reevaluating myself and what I do as it relates to my beliefs. I strongly believe that growth takes being humble, being open, self reflection, and the guidance of key figures (not necessarily everyone)in our lives. I have learned my mistakes in communicating and have learned when I need to speak up and be more clear in my implied and spoken messages.
I state this all to relay an experience I recently had. My lovely niece is experiencing a challenge with a friend. Someone who she loves dearly and has been an important part of her life. She was placed in a situation where this friend has shut her off and she's hurt by that. In talking to my niece not only did I relay similar experiences I have been through but I made the following statement "most people are genuinely good people. In their minds their logic makes perfect sense and they are doing the very best they can with the knowledge and experiences they hold". My mistakes in past relationships haven't been because I was bad, it has been because I was doing the best I could with what I knew at that time.
I told her that in my experience that person will want to be friends again. I told her that the most important thing we can do is to try to be open to people that are different from us, to hold our integrity, and to be forgiving.
I have had this same conversation with friends, some of whom have in turn called my naïve, but when I shared my thoughts with my niece I was recommitted to these ideals.
A child raised by an alcoholic may become one. A child abused may abuse. I honestly feel that there's a period in which that child as an adult must alter their tracks. It is our responsibility as a grown mature adult to alter our course and not excuse poor behavior. However as much as I believe this I also believe that there is a period of adjustment that this child transiting into adulthood goes through.
As a friend, as a human being it is our job to be kind and patient, to forgive. At the same time we must recognize when and where patience and kindness blurs into abuse. No one should mistake kindness for weakness and walk all over that friend.
So to my niece I say "I'm sorry sweetheart, the pain of loss or betrayal is never easy. Just remember that like you're not perfect, neither is anyone else. Try to be open, kind, patience, and forgive. Forgive but don't forget. Don't let forgiveness be defined as abuse. In the end and by its very definition forgiveness is more a healing that will uplift and carry you than something that is given as a free pass to that other person"
I state this all to relay an experience I recently had. My lovely niece is experiencing a challenge with a friend. Someone who she loves dearly and has been an important part of her life. She was placed in a situation where this friend has shut her off and she's hurt by that. In talking to my niece not only did I relay similar experiences I have been through but I made the following statement "most people are genuinely good people. In their minds their logic makes perfect sense and they are doing the very best they can with the knowledge and experiences they hold". My mistakes in past relationships haven't been because I was bad, it has been because I was doing the best I could with what I knew at that time.
I told her that in my experience that person will want to be friends again. I told her that the most important thing we can do is to try to be open to people that are different from us, to hold our integrity, and to be forgiving.
I have had this same conversation with friends, some of whom have in turn called my naïve, but when I shared my thoughts with my niece I was recommitted to these ideals.
A child raised by an alcoholic may become one. A child abused may abuse. I honestly feel that there's a period in which that child as an adult must alter their tracks. It is our responsibility as a grown mature adult to alter our course and not excuse poor behavior. However as much as I believe this I also believe that there is a period of adjustment that this child transiting into adulthood goes through.
As a friend, as a human being it is our job to be kind and patient, to forgive. At the same time we must recognize when and where patience and kindness blurs into abuse. No one should mistake kindness for weakness and walk all over that friend.
So to my niece I say "I'm sorry sweetheart, the pain of loss or betrayal is never easy. Just remember that like you're not perfect, neither is anyone else. Try to be open, kind, patience, and forgive. Forgive but don't forget. Don't let forgiveness be defined as abuse. In the end and by its very definition forgiveness is more a healing that will uplift and carry you than something that is given as a free pass to that other person"
Thursday, May 1, 2014
you're beautiful...
you're cute,
you're adorable
you're sexy,
you're sweet,
you're lovely,
you're a diamond,
you're a star,
you're my sunshine,
you're great,
you're awesome,
you're an angel,
you're unique,
I think a time or two we've heard them all.
The sentiments of our family. Or a dear friend.
The person who we call our significant other.
A colleague. A teacher. A counselor.
But nothing resonates as deep as "beautiful".
To be called that is to be seen for more than the superficial.
To be seen wholly and for more than just a pretty face.
Hearing that word has been a deciding factor for me.
It has been my barometer of feeling known...
I look at my nieces who are graduating this year and I see unparalleled beauty.
In their giving spirit, in their purity of heart, their affectionate way.
Our family has always been close and strong, but it is truly our legacy that
is the most beautiful of life's miracles.
To Laura and Desiree... You have a world full of wonder and promise. A world
that is waiting to be unleashed, enjoyed, treasured, mastered. My wish for you is
that you continue to live. Enjoy tomorrow, have no regrets, learn and blossom.
And know that no matter what happens in life that might get you down,
you both are extremely and awe-strikingly "beautiful". In life and in love,
settle for nothing less!!
Titi Tata love you girls!!! (and remember I'm always here) ;)
you're adorable
you're sexy,
you're sweet,
you're lovely,
you're a diamond,
you're a star,
you're my sunshine,
you're great,
you're awesome,
you're an angel,
you're unique,
I think a time or two we've heard them all.
The sentiments of our family. Or a dear friend.
The person who we call our significant other.
A colleague. A teacher. A counselor.
But nothing resonates as deep as "beautiful".
To be called that is to be seen for more than the superficial.
To be seen wholly and for more than just a pretty face.
Hearing that word has been a deciding factor for me.
It has been my barometer of feeling known...
I look at my nieces who are graduating this year and I see unparalleled beauty.
In their giving spirit, in their purity of heart, their affectionate way.
Our family has always been close and strong, but it is truly our legacy that
is the most beautiful of life's miracles.
To Laura and Desiree... You have a world full of wonder and promise. A world
that is waiting to be unleashed, enjoyed, treasured, mastered. My wish for you is
that you continue to live. Enjoy tomorrow, have no regrets, learn and blossom.
And know that no matter what happens in life that might get you down,
you both are extremely and awe-strikingly "beautiful". In life and in love,
settle for nothing less!!
Titi Tata love you girls!!! (and remember I'm always here) ;)
Monday, April 7, 2014
love and loss
Sometimes in life you experience a loss that shakes the very ground beneath your feet, you feel like you are experiencing an alternate universe, your body numbs, your vision dims and you can't wrap your mind around it...
What I have learned in life is that love makes us all vulnerable. Loving a friend, a relative or even a partner is a risk because equally yoked with love is the risk of loss. A loss of life or a loss of reality or perspective.
Loss is never easy. There is never an easy way to cope, to move on, to find balance. It takes time, its a journey full of every emotion that exists, and more often than not those emotions come like a rollercoaster, sudden and unpredictable. At times it feels like you're climbing Mount Everest or walking the Sahara desert, heated, dizzy and confused. Other times it feels like a warm breezy day, peaceful and calm.
As hard as it is however, loss reminds us of how deep and real the love is. It let's us understand how beautiful and affecting those relationships are in our lives. Love is an ability to open yourself up; to share your innermost thoughts, ideas, goals and dreams. To learn how to explore, experience life, LIVE!! To experience selflessness, joy, beauty. To have someone witness your daily feats, milestones.. your life's legacy.
I have to admit that I have been blessed in life to have rarely experienced loss. However when I stop to think of loss, I think of it as part of my life's journey. I think of how it brought with it a love that at its best awakened me and at its worst taught me about myself; a love that served to strengthen me when I needed strength, humble me when I needed humbling, and lift me up when I needed to be lifted.
Loss comes in different shapes, color and sizes and there is never a way to sum up loss as "one size fits all". I would never claim to tell someone how to grieve loss. What I will say is that life is meant to be lived -- so live!!... Allow yourself to feel the depths of emotions that come with loss, but make steps to live and feel the richness that is LOVE once again!!!
What I have learned in life is that love makes us all vulnerable. Loving a friend, a relative or even a partner is a risk because equally yoked with love is the risk of loss. A loss of life or a loss of reality or perspective.
Loss is never easy. There is never an easy way to cope, to move on, to find balance. It takes time, its a journey full of every emotion that exists, and more often than not those emotions come like a rollercoaster, sudden and unpredictable. At times it feels like you're climbing Mount Everest or walking the Sahara desert, heated, dizzy and confused. Other times it feels like a warm breezy day, peaceful and calm.
As hard as it is however, loss reminds us of how deep and real the love is. It let's us understand how beautiful and affecting those relationships are in our lives. Love is an ability to open yourself up; to share your innermost thoughts, ideas, goals and dreams. To learn how to explore, experience life, LIVE!! To experience selflessness, joy, beauty. To have someone witness your daily feats, milestones.. your life's legacy.
I have to admit that I have been blessed in life to have rarely experienced loss. However when I stop to think of loss, I think of it as part of my life's journey. I think of how it brought with it a love that at its best awakened me and at its worst taught me about myself; a love that served to strengthen me when I needed strength, humble me when I needed humbling, and lift me up when I needed to be lifted.
Loss comes in different shapes, color and sizes and there is never a way to sum up loss as "one size fits all". I would never claim to tell someone how to grieve loss. What I will say is that life is meant to be lived -- so live!!... Allow yourself to feel the depths of emotions that come with loss, but make steps to live and feel the richness that is LOVE once again!!!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Cuz I'm the shit...
They say that cockiness is unattractive but in the same breath they say confidence is sexy...
So I wonder what makes you cocky as opposed to confident
I got to admit, I think very highly of myself.. I find myself extremely attractive. I am tall, curious, ambitious, intelligent, comfortable in my skin, confident in my ability, easy going, funny... Did I say I look good too??
I am giving, caring, loyal, compassionate, open, understanding, friendly... Did I say I look good too??
I think my friends are lucky to have me around to lighten the mood, and help them enjoy life. I think my family see me as dependable, non-judgemental, and full of spirit. I think that a man couldn't do better than to pursue me knowing that I am all of the above but also a partner, considerate, affectionate, committed and nurturing.
Sometimes I am told "nobody loves Tara more than Tara" but this statement honestly confuses me... Why should anyone love me more?
The world can be hard. You are faced by media images of what is perceived as beautiful but lacks any root in reality. Images or words that cut to the soul of young impressionable kids. They see and are told what they should feel about themselves. They are bombarded by these things. They face emotional up and downs. They experience journeys that take them through different life stages and personality crises. I refuse to let other's opinions mold my self-perception.
My image of myself helps me slap these stereotypes in the face. I don't need someone to make me feel that I am worthy. I know I am. I know qualities of love, patience, and kindness and I recognize that beauty in myself.
So at the end of the day call me cocky, call me confidence (did I mention I look good??)... makes no difference to me and ask me if I care cuz bottom line... I'm the shit!!!
So I wonder what makes you cocky as opposed to confident
I got to admit, I think very highly of myself.. I find myself extremely attractive. I am tall, curious, ambitious, intelligent, comfortable in my skin, confident in my ability, easy going, funny... Did I say I look good too??
I am giving, caring, loyal, compassionate, open, understanding, friendly... Did I say I look good too??
I think my friends are lucky to have me around to lighten the mood, and help them enjoy life. I think my family see me as dependable, non-judgemental, and full of spirit. I think that a man couldn't do better than to pursue me knowing that I am all of the above but also a partner, considerate, affectionate, committed and nurturing.
Sometimes I am told "nobody loves Tara more than Tara" but this statement honestly confuses me... Why should anyone love me more?
The world can be hard. You are faced by media images of what is perceived as beautiful but lacks any root in reality. Images or words that cut to the soul of young impressionable kids. They see and are told what they should feel about themselves. They are bombarded by these things. They face emotional up and downs. They experience journeys that take them through different life stages and personality crises. I refuse to let other's opinions mold my self-perception.
My image of myself helps me slap these stereotypes in the face. I don't need someone to make me feel that I am worthy. I know I am. I know qualities of love, patience, and kindness and I recognize that beauty in myself.
So at the end of the day call me cocky, call me confidence (did I mention I look good??)... makes no difference to me and ask me if I care cuz bottom line... I'm the shit!!!
Sunday, March 16, 2014
I need a shopping list
I am the kind of girl that likes to go grocery shopping without a list. When I am at the store I am moved to buy whatever looks good. Does it smell nice? Is there a potential new flavor to experience? Does is satisfy my sweet tooth or my current craving? The problem with not taking a list to the store is that I'm driven to buy things that I don't need, that I will spend ridiculous amounts of money on, that could have a high likelihood of being wasted, or that are ultimately unhealthy?
Lately I see the world of dating in the same light?
I recently polled my friends to ask them how they define attraction. I wanted to know what it is about a person that sparks an initial interest. I've recently been on a few dates where it seemed the men have practically drooled at my feet. Unfortunately however that seemed to be the extent of their desire to know me. I felt like a "trophy" that was to be nicely displayed for the enjoyment of their friends, family or simply their personal ego.
I'm reading a book that helps you assess yourself, figure out what you want in a future life partner, and learn how to be receptive and have positive life experiences. In the book the author discusses attraction as being different for everyone. In specific she discusses three examples of attraction:
-attraction = a high that you experience when your man walks into the room
-attraction = a soulful connection and a feeling of being meant for each other
-attraction = as expressed through a sense of ease, comfort or security
My experiences of late have had me thinking that for the men in question, their desires lived mostly in option number one. For me, attraction waivered between doors number two and three. Attraction to me, is measured by feeling like I have a common ground with a man. Something that comes with a deep understanding of them - a deeper connection. That attraction is made stronger by a feeling of comfort in the dialogue, myself in my skin, my surroundings, and a sense that "I won't be blindly typecast or bound in a box". That I can be free to be myself and be desired more by my character, humor, and personality than by the fact that I look good in that short, short dress.
I am not saying that having an animalistic attraction to someone is bad. Not in the slightest. I just want "more". I don't want to feel as if I am judged solely on my "public" appeal.
Going grocery shopping without a list, drives you to buy what looks good. Over the years I have tasted that thing that was sinful. But I'm finding that in this phase of my life, I need a list. Not a list of the ideal mate, with ridiculous standards and the unachievable perfect "man", but a shopping sheet that makes it known that I know what I want and that I am not looking for just any thing to throw in my cart.. Something I think men and women often so blindly do..
It is like I am buying a new car but I am also weighing all the pros and cons...
I'm assessing attraction. I am weighing what I want as far as spiritual needs. I am thinking about important financial matters, spending/saving habits, priorities. How we communicate. What his appearance says about him. How likely we are to enjoy the same activities. whether we desire the same social level/frequencies. Our ideas of families. Whether we can share a true partnership. Whether we have similar styles of affection. If we have similar "healthy" lifestyles. And most importantly if there is shared values of loyalty, honesty, commitment, respect, drive, and compassion..
Maybe it happens with age, or maybe its just me.. but as much as I might want to throw something in the cart on that whim, I find it more satisfying to shop with a list.. A list that will help me find the items that will not just nourish my pallet but most importantly help me nourish my full soul
Lately I see the world of dating in the same light?
I recently polled my friends to ask them how they define attraction. I wanted to know what it is about a person that sparks an initial interest. I've recently been on a few dates where it seemed the men have practically drooled at my feet. Unfortunately however that seemed to be the extent of their desire to know me. I felt like a "trophy" that was to be nicely displayed for the enjoyment of their friends, family or simply their personal ego.
I'm reading a book that helps you assess yourself, figure out what you want in a future life partner, and learn how to be receptive and have positive life experiences. In the book the author discusses attraction as being different for everyone. In specific she discusses three examples of attraction:
-attraction = a high that you experience when your man walks into the room
-attraction = a soulful connection and a feeling of being meant for each other
-attraction = as expressed through a sense of ease, comfort or security
My experiences of late have had me thinking that for the men in question, their desires lived mostly in option number one. For me, attraction waivered between doors number two and three. Attraction to me, is measured by feeling like I have a common ground with a man. Something that comes with a deep understanding of them - a deeper connection. That attraction is made stronger by a feeling of comfort in the dialogue, myself in my skin, my surroundings, and a sense that "I won't be blindly typecast or bound in a box". That I can be free to be myself and be desired more by my character, humor, and personality than by the fact that I look good in that short, short dress.
I am not saying that having an animalistic attraction to someone is bad. Not in the slightest. I just want "more". I don't want to feel as if I am judged solely on my "public" appeal.
Going grocery shopping without a list, drives you to buy what looks good. Over the years I have tasted that thing that was sinful. But I'm finding that in this phase of my life, I need a list. Not a list of the ideal mate, with ridiculous standards and the unachievable perfect "man", but a shopping sheet that makes it known that I know what I want and that I am not looking for just any thing to throw in my cart.. Something I think men and women often so blindly do..
It is like I am buying a new car but I am also weighing all the pros and cons...
I'm assessing attraction. I am weighing what I want as far as spiritual needs. I am thinking about important financial matters, spending/saving habits, priorities. How we communicate. What his appearance says about him. How likely we are to enjoy the same activities. whether we desire the same social level/frequencies. Our ideas of families. Whether we can share a true partnership. Whether we have similar styles of affection. If we have similar "healthy" lifestyles. And most importantly if there is shared values of loyalty, honesty, commitment, respect, drive, and compassion..
Maybe it happens with age, or maybe its just me.. but as much as I might want to throw something in the cart on that whim, I find it more satisfying to shop with a list.. A list that will help me find the items that will not just nourish my pallet but most importantly help me nourish my full soul
Thursday, February 20, 2014
What's your government name???
So I am trying this thing called dating.. After five long years spent mostly in a relationship, I am out on the market again.
So everyone who knows the emotions that come with a break-up knows that when you jump back in its like dipping your foot in a pool. You do it inch by inch. Eyes wide open, being reflexive of the man. Trying to be open, but at the same time being cautious. Its unfortunate but the reality is that a LOT of people aren't who they say they are. And I tell you what, I have had endless hours of amusement so far. So I thought I would do a funny list of things to watch out for in the dating game.. Without further ado:
You might be a fool if.. you date a guy who only texts you during the day -- during business hours and mysteriously disappears in the evenings and on weekends.
You might want to watch your step if... you date a guy only on preselected dates and any sense of adventure causes the guy to break out in hives.
You might want to do a double take if... you get a call for a date about an hour before the date and the brotha says "let's just kick it at home". (one of two things are happening here, either he waited for the main chick to leave.. or ummm yeah.. that brotha waited to see if anything better came along. Either way, he doesn't want to get caught out with you).
Tread lightly if... you haven't been to his house within the first month of dating...Ummm.. yeah, no other words needed.
It is probably a bad sign if...he never receives calls when you are with him or he takes the call in the privacy of another room. Phone calls with your kids, mom, siblings, friends or work can't be that "top secret"..
Flashing red lights if...the man can NEVER be found when you call... but five minutes later your phone rings (ugh see previous item on the list).
You might have found a loser if... you get a request for a sexy picture before you've even talked on the phone..
Stop and turn around if.. the man can't stop talking about his momma or you head on a first date and she's sitting there with him waiting for your arrival.
Its highly suspect if.. the brotha is sooo into you but you've yet to disclose your last name (p.s. booty calls aren't very deep relationships)
You might want to head for the hills if... his "best" friend has a tattoo on his arm of popeye as a baby with a caption that reads "fuck the world"
Be careful if... he is so much of a work-a-holic that he travels over 70% of the time (this means he's packing a bag to spend the weekend in Laveen with his main bitch)
Wait for it.. the brotha goes hiking with you and leaves you alone on the mountain..
It is probably a bad sign if.. you head out on a date and he claims to have forgotten his wallet
Drumline please... he sweats when you use his government name (on blogs, facebook, etc)
Ladies... you're welcome!! Now again, both eyes wide open... LMAO.. happy hunting!!
So everyone who knows the emotions that come with a break-up knows that when you jump back in its like dipping your foot in a pool. You do it inch by inch. Eyes wide open, being reflexive of the man. Trying to be open, but at the same time being cautious. Its unfortunate but the reality is that a LOT of people aren't who they say they are. And I tell you what, I have had endless hours of amusement so far. So I thought I would do a funny list of things to watch out for in the dating game.. Without further ado:
You might be a fool if.. you date a guy who only texts you during the day -- during business hours and mysteriously disappears in the evenings and on weekends.
You might want to watch your step if... you date a guy only on preselected dates and any sense of adventure causes the guy to break out in hives.
You might want to do a double take if... you get a call for a date about an hour before the date and the brotha says "let's just kick it at home". (one of two things are happening here, either he waited for the main chick to leave.. or ummm yeah.. that brotha waited to see if anything better came along. Either way, he doesn't want to get caught out with you).
Tread lightly if... you haven't been to his house within the first month of dating...Ummm.. yeah, no other words needed.
It is probably a bad sign if...he never receives calls when you are with him or he takes the call in the privacy of another room. Phone calls with your kids, mom, siblings, friends or work can't be that "top secret"..
Flashing red lights if...the man can NEVER be found when you call... but five minutes later your phone rings (ugh see previous item on the list).
You might have found a loser if... you get a request for a sexy picture before you've even talked on the phone..
Stop and turn around if.. the man can't stop talking about his momma or you head on a first date and she's sitting there with him waiting for your arrival.
Its highly suspect if.. the brotha is sooo into you but you've yet to disclose your last name (p.s. booty calls aren't very deep relationships)
You might want to head for the hills if... his "best" friend has a tattoo on his arm of popeye as a baby with a caption that reads "fuck the world"
Be careful if... he is so much of a work-a-holic that he travels over 70% of the time (this means he's packing a bag to spend the weekend in Laveen with his main bitch)
Wait for it.. the brotha goes hiking with you and leaves you alone on the mountain..
It is probably a bad sign if.. you head out on a date and he claims to have forgotten his wallet
Drumline please... he sweats when you use his government name (on blogs, facebook, etc)
Ladies... you're welcome!! Now again, both eyes wide open... LMAO.. happy hunting!!
Saturday, February 8, 2014
It wasn't me, it was the world
When life events happen, human nature orients us towards one of two directions. We either assign the cause to our personal efforts, or we claim that a bigger "outside" force is at hand. Generally we assign the good things with our efforts, our locus of control is internal. When bad happens, our locus is external.
Leaders are born, not made
Leaders are made, not born
People often succeed because they are at the right place at the right time
Success is mostly dependent on hard work and ability
Good children are mainly the products of good parents.
Some children turn out bad no matter how their parents behave.
Good marriages result when both partners continuously work on the relationship
Some marriages are going to fail because the partners are just incompatible
When I came across this self-assessment recently I thought about relationships I have had, intimate and otherwise. I remember once talking to a friend and stating how when a person is asked why a relationship fails, it will display their level of maturity. A relationship, as I have stated numerous times, is a sum of its parts. Generally a failure is due to both halves of the whole. I think it is the sign of maturity when a person can step outside themselves and claim that. However as this assessment shows, human nature works in the opposite way. If something went wrong "it wasn't me, it was the world"...
I didn't meet that deadline because I was bombarded by crazy students demanding random things
I was late for work because I got stopped at each traffic light on the way in
I failed at that test because the material was unrelated to what we studied in class
My relationship ended because she was crazy and never listened
It is too difficult, too embarrassing, too much of a shock to our perception of ourselves, our core definition of ourselves, to see the situation in any other way.
I probably could have set daily or weekly goals to meet that deadline
I should've allowed time for traffic delays
I probably should've prepared by looking at all the material, lectures and readings
I could have been clear about my needs and wants being different than hers
I think that to learn and grow we must critically examine ourselves; our experiences, our personal values, our life visions, our actions and our locus of control. We must stop and look at our contradictions and determine whether we believe that our future success, in work and life, depends mainly on circumstances we can not control, "it wasn't me, it was the world"... Or if instead, we are the masters of our own fates...
Leaders are born, not made
Leaders are made, not born
People often succeed because they are at the right place at the right time
Success is mostly dependent on hard work and ability
Good children are mainly the products of good parents.
Some children turn out bad no matter how their parents behave.
Good marriages result when both partners continuously work on the relationship
Some marriages are going to fail because the partners are just incompatible
When I came across this self-assessment recently I thought about relationships I have had, intimate and otherwise. I remember once talking to a friend and stating how when a person is asked why a relationship fails, it will display their level of maturity. A relationship, as I have stated numerous times, is a sum of its parts. Generally a failure is due to both halves of the whole. I think it is the sign of maturity when a person can step outside themselves and claim that. However as this assessment shows, human nature works in the opposite way. If something went wrong "it wasn't me, it was the world"...
I didn't meet that deadline because I was bombarded by crazy students demanding random things
I was late for work because I got stopped at each traffic light on the way in
I failed at that test because the material was unrelated to what we studied in class
My relationship ended because she was crazy and never listened
It is too difficult, too embarrassing, too much of a shock to our perception of ourselves, our core definition of ourselves, to see the situation in any other way.
I probably could have set daily or weekly goals to meet that deadline
I should've allowed time for traffic delays
I probably should've prepared by looking at all the material, lectures and readings
I could have been clear about my needs and wants being different than hers
I think that to learn and grow we must critically examine ourselves; our experiences, our personal values, our life visions, our actions and our locus of control. We must stop and look at our contradictions and determine whether we believe that our future success, in work and life, depends mainly on circumstances we can not control, "it wasn't me, it was the world"... Or if instead, we are the masters of our own fates...
Thursday, January 23, 2014
It started with a bar of soap
It started with a bar of soap... I remember clear as day, browsing through Target. I was standing in the isle about to grab a bar of the soap that I had used for years. A brand that I unconsciously purchased for no other reason than because it was what I'd seen my mom purchase throughout the years. I was about to drop it in my cart when I saw an interesting wrapped bar of soap. The label stated that part of the proceeds went to the World Wildlife Fund and when I kept reading I saw that the product was 100% natural, with no chemicals added. I remember standing in that isle for a good 15 minutes trying to decide which item to purchase. Would I go with my tradition? What did my purchase say about me? I thought about the fact that I loved nature and animals and I realized why it would be beneficial to go with the new product. Why not support those values? I had honestly never contemplated these questions.
In 2008 I met a man that by all accounts became my closest male friend. While our relationship was at times contradictory, it served a function of challenging me by forcing me to address this very question. It forced me to examine my beliefs and to think about how those beliefs aligned with my actions. He really pushed me to think critically, to learn, grow and evolve in all areas of my life.
Shortly after that, in the year 2009, I began to take classes in Sustainability. My life's goal became to consciously think about what my choices and decisions said about who I am, what I believe in, and what I strive to represent. If I stop and review past blogs, I can see my progression throughout the years.
I desire to be a woman who stands behind her values of honesty, compassion, kindness, equality, loyalty, friendship, perseverance, integrity, sustainability and the environment. At times I succeed with great skill, at times I fall a little short of the mark. I, like all humans, am a work in progress but my value comes in my sincere contemplation.
Today was a first day of one of my master's classes and it has been made clear to me that my whole purpose in pursuing this degree is to help others face themselves as well. It is to allow people to examine their daily choices, through tactics such as strategic planning, effective communication, and having empathy and understanding of a person's value, needs and priorities. Yes I believe in the field of Sustainability. The integration of human needs, economic responsibility, and the protection of the earth. We can't help fight international poverty without addressing how our desire to accumulate material wealth in the U.S. affect other nations. We can't fight water shortages without responsible agriculture practices. We have to think of the correlations of these three sustainability pillars to many every day world challenges.
However my intent in my studies have never been to force my values on someone else, instead I want to help them evolve to pursue their values, passions, and strengths. In work I want my employees to strive towards their best and recognize their strengths. In life I want my friends and family to find balance, love, and joy through their own critical examination.
I have always loved a simple quote by Ghandi which says that we have to "be the change we want to be". For me, that journey started with a bar of soap, has been fostered by some good relationships, and continues to be a daily challenge that I am excited and eager to meet!! So I will ask, what does your "bar of soap" say about you?...
In 2008 I met a man that by all accounts became my closest male friend. While our relationship was at times contradictory, it served a function of challenging me by forcing me to address this very question. It forced me to examine my beliefs and to think about how those beliefs aligned with my actions. He really pushed me to think critically, to learn, grow and evolve in all areas of my life.
Shortly after that, in the year 2009, I began to take classes in Sustainability. My life's goal became to consciously think about what my choices and decisions said about who I am, what I believe in, and what I strive to represent. If I stop and review past blogs, I can see my progression throughout the years.
I desire to be a woman who stands behind her values of honesty, compassion, kindness, equality, loyalty, friendship, perseverance, integrity, sustainability and the environment. At times I succeed with great skill, at times I fall a little short of the mark. I, like all humans, am a work in progress but my value comes in my sincere contemplation.
Today was a first day of one of my master's classes and it has been made clear to me that my whole purpose in pursuing this degree is to help others face themselves as well. It is to allow people to examine their daily choices, through tactics such as strategic planning, effective communication, and having empathy and understanding of a person's value, needs and priorities. Yes I believe in the field of Sustainability. The integration of human needs, economic responsibility, and the protection of the earth. We can't help fight international poverty without addressing how our desire to accumulate material wealth in the U.S. affect other nations. We can't fight water shortages without responsible agriculture practices. We have to think of the correlations of these three sustainability pillars to many every day world challenges.
However my intent in my studies have never been to force my values on someone else, instead I want to help them evolve to pursue their values, passions, and strengths. In work I want my employees to strive towards their best and recognize their strengths. In life I want my friends and family to find balance, love, and joy through their own critical examination.
I have always loved a simple quote by Ghandi which says that we have to "be the change we want to be". For me, that journey started with a bar of soap, has been fostered by some good relationships, and continues to be a daily challenge that I am excited and eager to meet!! So I will ask, what does your "bar of soap" say about you?...
Monday, January 20, 2014
I'm not a build-a-bear
I'm not a build-a-bear... Meaning I'm not the kind of woman that can be cut up into small pieces to be glued together into your model of perfection.
My eyes are big, beautiful, and watchful
My hair as wild and as free as my spirit
My hips are strong, wide, but made to grab onto
I have arms that are made to hold and support
My lips to speak wisdom and kiss away sorrows
I have a heart that is pure, giving, promises unconditional love, and refuses to be bitter
My intellect is a library of discovery
My words sincere, truth, and kindness
I have hands made to caress and protect
Laughter, joy and gratitude pour out of me
I am a sexy bitch
I am tall, I am able, and I am worthy
Yet you seem to want to tear me down.
Piece me back together with bits and pieces of others you've known..
I am a proud, I am strong, I am an independent woman who knows her values and will always remain true to herself.
I am a strong bitch, WHOLE, and what I'm not, is your fucking build-a-bear!!
My eyes are big, beautiful, and watchful
My hair as wild and as free as my spirit
My hips are strong, wide, but made to grab onto
I have arms that are made to hold and support
My lips to speak wisdom and kiss away sorrows
I have a heart that is pure, giving, promises unconditional love, and refuses to be bitter
My intellect is a library of discovery
My words sincere, truth, and kindness
I have hands made to caress and protect
Laughter, joy and gratitude pour out of me
I am a sexy bitch
I am tall, I am able, and I am worthy
Yet you seem to want to tear me down.
Piece me back together with bits and pieces of others you've known..
I am a proud, I am strong, I am an independent woman who knows her values and will always remain true to herself.
I am a strong bitch, WHOLE, and what I'm not, is your fucking build-a-bear!!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Nosey Biatch...
So if you know me, you know that people fascinate me. I am one of those girls who can be found spending a marathon day viewing the real housewives, love and hip hop, the braxtons or some other equally ridiculous reality show. It shocks me that some people would allow their lives to be so public, but I admit when you start watching you can't help but to sit on the edge of your seat to see what next bit of stupidity/insanity might unfold. This phenomenon can't be singled out to the arena of reality tv, Facebook itself is another form of obsessing into another's four walls. We sit idly by and watch what is going on...
Maybe we're just curious about other's lives and sincerely want to share in their successes and mourn their losses
Maybe we're using the information to gossip
Maybe we're the kind of person who finds their worth in "comparing" what we have with someone else
I remember for years feeling so blessed that I never had to deal with a man that had a Facebook account. Sitting on each other's pages, endlessly obsessing about what may or may not be going on.
"Who's this chick?"
"What she mean by that comment?"
"Why you looking at her that way?"
"Why this bitch the first to like all your posts, nosey biatch??"
Somehow though, in today's age, even excluding yourself from the world of Facebook may not prevent a person from getting caught up.. by another person's innate and innocent curiosity, by our desire to be in the "know", to sit on the edge of our seats!! It's drama, its suspense, it seems fake, but is it...
Love and Hip Hop this season has been mind blowing (or maybe the phrase is mind numbing) to me, to see a man live and share his life with the mother of his kids, someone he's lived with for over 10 years, but then have a side relationship with his artist, actually wed her and show his ass on national tv having this bitch pinned down on a piano.. smdh..
It hurts my heart to know others who have been in this same position, either as the 10 year chick or the newbie. No woman should have to deal with deception, and as I have learned throughout the years, deception can take on many faces..
There's that face that flat out lies
There's that face that leaves out the punch line or most crucial part of the story
Or my favorite, the face that tells you 99% truth so that you trust them and they can manipulate and play on that trust (sneaky little bastards)
The one thing you realize is that deception can leave you acting outside your character... Doing things you wouldn't normally believe in, making your business even more public to hurt the other parties involved, or as my neighbor displayed recently expressing your emotions "waiting to exhale" style by throwing piles of his unmentionables on the front lawn!!!
When I think about myself, and my innate curiosity, it makes me realize that sometimes, facing the drama, scanning the random Facebook page only causes me to cringe.. I have to stop and say to myself, I don't want to know these people's skeletons... so Tara, stop being a nosey biatch!!!
Maybe we're just curious about other's lives and sincerely want to share in their successes and mourn their losses
Maybe we're using the information to gossip
Maybe we're the kind of person who finds their worth in "comparing" what we have with someone else
I remember for years feeling so blessed that I never had to deal with a man that had a Facebook account. Sitting on each other's pages, endlessly obsessing about what may or may not be going on.
"Who's this chick?"
"What she mean by that comment?"
"Why you looking at her that way?"
"Why this bitch the first to like all your posts, nosey biatch??"
Somehow though, in today's age, even excluding yourself from the world of Facebook may not prevent a person from getting caught up.. by another person's innate and innocent curiosity, by our desire to be in the "know", to sit on the edge of our seats!! It's drama, its suspense, it seems fake, but is it...
Love and Hip Hop this season has been mind blowing (or maybe the phrase is mind numbing) to me, to see a man live and share his life with the mother of his kids, someone he's lived with for over 10 years, but then have a side relationship with his artist, actually wed her and show his ass on national tv having this bitch pinned down on a piano.. smdh..
It hurts my heart to know others who have been in this same position, either as the 10 year chick or the newbie. No woman should have to deal with deception, and as I have learned throughout the years, deception can take on many faces..
There's that face that flat out lies
There's that face that leaves out the punch line or most crucial part of the story
Or my favorite, the face that tells you 99% truth so that you trust them and they can manipulate and play on that trust (sneaky little bastards)
The one thing you realize is that deception can leave you acting outside your character... Doing things you wouldn't normally believe in, making your business even more public to hurt the other parties involved, or as my neighbor displayed recently expressing your emotions "waiting to exhale" style by throwing piles of his unmentionables on the front lawn!!!
When I think about myself, and my innate curiosity, it makes me realize that sometimes, facing the drama, scanning the random Facebook page only causes me to cringe.. I have to stop and say to myself, I don't want to know these people's skeletons... so Tara, stop being a nosey biatch!!!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Wish I could feed myself with words...
His words are so poetic and moving that at times I feel transfixed and suspended... "Wish I could feed myself with words; hunger would never invade me.." he writes.. Man,.. that speaks to me. I have always believed that words have immense power. All emotions center and revolve around them. One phrase to one speaks beauty and light, while to another brings confusion and misery. War, love, bliss, terror all can stem from them. They often fall off lips without conscious thought, and rarely do they sing like Beethoven to a classically trained ear.. I know in life I have often spent countless hours perfecting my words. On paper I pour out my heart hoping to convey myself in a way that spoken word can only mar. I try in earnest to convey what's the ultimate enlightenment of words; understanding. It is this need for perfection that quiets my voice.
I haven't blogged in awhile. I have received a few requests but the words haven't wanted to come. I realized yesterday that it was not for lack of inspiration but rather fear. Fear that my words could not have meaning. Fear that for the last few months my life has been without lessons. Hope, inspiration, joy is what I hope to instill in my writings. I love to learn, through whatever medium. I always have. I enjoy relationships with people that inspire a deep exchange of knowledge in anything and everything. I take pleasure in opening up my thoughts, of turning something dark into light and of inspiring.. Of turning a cynic to a believer, a person without hope into a person without limits, of making others see the best..
Relationships to me are the biggest life lessons. In interacting with others you see your true self; fifty shades of strengths, fifty shades of imperfections. What I've learned this past three years is acceptance. I have learned that words may never lead to understanding. I've learned that no matter how hard you try you may never be able to stream together perfection. Instead you have to have pride in your desire to try, your desire to make confusing sane, something emotional joyful and something disorganized manageable.
My father is an inspiring artist. A man with a great heart for beauty and others. Through him I received my passion for words. Like him I may not be able to feed myself with words, but life has taught me that as long as I try, hunger and passion will never leave my side...
My goal this year although late in coming is to realize that and to once again, slowly but surely, use my words!!!!!!!
I haven't blogged in awhile. I have received a few requests but the words haven't wanted to come. I realized yesterday that it was not for lack of inspiration but rather fear. Fear that my words could not have meaning. Fear that for the last few months my life has been without lessons. Hope, inspiration, joy is what I hope to instill in my writings. I love to learn, through whatever medium. I always have. I enjoy relationships with people that inspire a deep exchange of knowledge in anything and everything. I take pleasure in opening up my thoughts, of turning something dark into light and of inspiring.. Of turning a cynic to a believer, a person without hope into a person without limits, of making others see the best..
Relationships to me are the biggest life lessons. In interacting with others you see your true self; fifty shades of strengths, fifty shades of imperfections. What I've learned this past three years is acceptance. I have learned that words may never lead to understanding. I've learned that no matter how hard you try you may never be able to stream together perfection. Instead you have to have pride in your desire to try, your desire to make confusing sane, something emotional joyful and something disorganized manageable.
My father is an inspiring artist. A man with a great heart for beauty and others. Through him I received my passion for words. Like him I may not be able to feed myself with words, but life has taught me that as long as I try, hunger and passion will never leave my side...
My goal this year although late in coming is to realize that and to once again, slowly but surely, use my words!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
for real now.. FOR REAL.. getting paid to go to high school??
Ok so yesterday I heard the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!! A school in Cincinnati, Ohio is so desperate to boost attendance and graduation records that they're paying students to go to school. Yes, I said that.. PAYING students. Get this, seniors get $25 gift cards and underclassment $10, and money is continously added. This program is estimated to cost $40,000 and the money is raised by fundraising and charities (Don't really get me started on where that money can go. How about to Haiti or the people still struggling over Hurricane Katrina).
This is the kind of thing that makes me sad about society today. This is how surreal our reality is. Why is it that parents let their kids TELL THEM that they're not going to school anymore? I would never have even fathomed of doing that!! It's sad to me that kids are unmotivated. We're living in a time where the US Education system is losing its value, it's no longer leading the pack in areas such as math and science. Students feel entitled and do not work hard.
My friends and family laugh at me when I say I could not have children but honestly this is a major concern of mine. I just don't understand how society is so wrapped up in having the greatest and latest new fad but are failing to promote the value of a good education. Kids are playing video games where they're blowing apart cars or people but can't see the value of a book. They're consumed by the here and now and forget about their futures, FACEBOOK is their reality.
I just don't agree with the message paying a student sends? It lets them know that the most valuable thing in life is financial means. The bottom line is that you can have all the money in the world and be miserable. If you know how to foster a creative mind, you're constantly growing!!!
Let's take a poll, how many students have you met that do not have a high school diploma? Maybe their successful now, I'm not trying to say street smarts does not exist, but I bet you 9 times out of 10, that success came with A LOT of unnecessary struggle..
I sometimes wish that we still lived in a time where the fear of the parent forced people to act responsibily and not act a fool. Dropping out, smh.. Really paying students??? SMDH!!!
This is the kind of thing that makes me sad about society today. This is how surreal our reality is. Why is it that parents let their kids TELL THEM that they're not going to school anymore? I would never have even fathomed of doing that!! It's sad to me that kids are unmotivated. We're living in a time where the US Education system is losing its value, it's no longer leading the pack in areas such as math and science. Students feel entitled and do not work hard.
My friends and family laugh at me when I say I could not have children but honestly this is a major concern of mine. I just don't understand how society is so wrapped up in having the greatest and latest new fad but are failing to promote the value of a good education. Kids are playing video games where they're blowing apart cars or people but can't see the value of a book. They're consumed by the here and now and forget about their futures, FACEBOOK is their reality.
I just don't agree with the message paying a student sends? It lets them know that the most valuable thing in life is financial means. The bottom line is that you can have all the money in the world and be miserable. If you know how to foster a creative mind, you're constantly growing!!!
Let's take a poll, how many students have you met that do not have a high school diploma? Maybe their successful now, I'm not trying to say street smarts does not exist, but I bet you 9 times out of 10, that success came with A LOT of unnecessary struggle..
I sometimes wish that we still lived in a time where the fear of the parent forced people to act responsibily and not act a fool. Dropping out, smh.. Really paying students??? SMDH!!!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tara Simo 101
The fun part of working in a college is that they are always striving to be innovative. They do workshops, skills assessments, group simulations, training. All in an effort to be more cohesive, unified and stronger. When I worked at Rio we did a campus wide initiative to assess our strengths. This program called "StrengthQuest" was a personal assessment that involved answering a bunch of questions. The goal was to determine what top five strengths each person possesses (out of a full listing of 34). The idea was that having this knowledge would help others highlight the strengths of their colleagues and work more efficiently together as a unit. I first took this assessment in October of 2009. I thought I'd share and give you a snapshot of who I am. Here are some short descriptions of my results in order of highest strength:
RELATOR
People who are especially talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.
MAXIMIZER
People who are especially talented in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.
EMPATHY
People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
INPUT
People who are especially talented in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.
RESPONSIBILITY
People who are especially talented in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.
In a matter of 7 months I had moved on to another college and ironically enough was asked to fill out the same assessment. The following became my strengths in order:
RESPONSIBILITY
RELATOR
ADAPTABILITY
People who are especially talented in adaptability theme prefer to "go with the flow." They tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time.
DEVELOPER
People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognize and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.
INPUT
So from the two assessments 3 strengths remained the same, 2 had dropped off and 2 more were added. The order of the original 3 had shifted.
It was puzzling to me that new strengths came forth and then I realized that as a person is placed in different situations, the environment causes an adaptation of strengths (I think of the above as my top 7 strengths). Everyone has a bit of all 34 strengths but there are some that are more potent than others and some that are "flexed" more often.
I stumbled upon the last assessment earlier this week when I was reading through some emails I had sent a friend. I couldn't quite understand my feelings and how I was handling a difficult situation and reading this list helped comfort me. It was enlightening to understand why so many of my blogs are about values such as honesty, integrity, trust, and communication. As my responsibility strength shows this is immensely important to me.
It also helped me to realize "wow.. I really am an empathetic person" (although my relator strength would argue that I am selectively empathetic to those I have deep personal relationships with). I want to understand a person and really not judge. I want them to develop. To see and become the potential that I see: they're ability to be great, happy and successful in work and life!
My responses to things at times seem unorthodox even to me but I realize these strengths all combine to make me who I am. Someone I will always respect, admire, and be proud of. I wouldn't want to be anyone else...
RELATOR
People who are especially talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.
MAXIMIZER
People who are especially talented in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.
EMPATHY
People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
INPUT
People who are especially talented in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.
RESPONSIBILITY
People who are especially talented in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.
In a matter of 7 months I had moved on to another college and ironically enough was asked to fill out the same assessment. The following became my strengths in order:
RESPONSIBILITY
RELATOR
ADAPTABILITY
People who are especially talented in adaptability theme prefer to "go with the flow." They tend to be "now" people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time.
DEVELOPER
People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognize and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.
INPUT
So from the two assessments 3 strengths remained the same, 2 had dropped off and 2 more were added. The order of the original 3 had shifted.
It was puzzling to me that new strengths came forth and then I realized that as a person is placed in different situations, the environment causes an adaptation of strengths (I think of the above as my top 7 strengths). Everyone has a bit of all 34 strengths but there are some that are more potent than others and some that are "flexed" more often.
I stumbled upon the last assessment earlier this week when I was reading through some emails I had sent a friend. I couldn't quite understand my feelings and how I was handling a difficult situation and reading this list helped comfort me. It was enlightening to understand why so many of my blogs are about values such as honesty, integrity, trust, and communication. As my responsibility strength shows this is immensely important to me.
It also helped me to realize "wow.. I really am an empathetic person" (although my relator strength would argue that I am selectively empathetic to those I have deep personal relationships with). I want to understand a person and really not judge. I want them to develop. To see and become the potential that I see: they're ability to be great, happy and successful in work and life!
My responses to things at times seem unorthodox even to me but I realize these strengths all combine to make me who I am. Someone I will always respect, admire, and be proud of. I wouldn't want to be anyone else...
Thursday, January 12, 2012
honesty or the show...
I've been thinking about people and the interactions we make daily with others. I don't know if its my interactions of late or the world in general, however it seems like nowadays honesty and the acknowledgement of a person's integrity is something that's been losing its strength. When I say that I mean to elude that people seem to want to be shown what they want and not simple truth. They want the illusion of perfection and do not require the merit to back it up. They are unwilling to take your character as evidence of that truth, instead they hold their truth to be of bigger importance..
Let me get more specific. I have a great friend who is a very outspoken and straight forward person. If you present a situation to him he will give you examples of how that situation may plays out. This friend's nature is to help you see the big picture so that you can be prepared for both a best or worst case scenario. We've had discussions on this before and I think my friend knows me well. I have a tendency to give the situation or person the benefit of the doubt, to believe it will work itself out, to have trust in human nature or timing. I do not examine the worst case scenario but with him he zeros in on it. We discussed how he's often perceived as being pessimistic and he informed me that most people don't think about the worst, their minds are not systematic in thinking...
This is really interesting to me. I often find myself discussing problems with friends and in my experience friends always want to tell you the hard truth. THEIR TRUTH, through their eyes and their experiences. Truths that to them are absolute.
"He must be lying to you because I went through the EXACT same thing and that's what I found out". "Girl those actions are just proof that (blah, blah, and blah.. fill in the blank) is going on". Maybe there is some truth to all their experiences, maybe not. Part of life is weeding out your experiences to learn what you find to be true for you.
I'm given a hard time for being open-minded to certain people and situations. Is it being naive? Maybe in some situations but maybe on the other hand it's allowing someone to be truly honest with me, to trust their character and integrity. If they're in my life at this stage in the game its because they've already showed me something substantial that allows me to trust them. I have no problem weeding out the bad seeds.
It drives me nuts when I tell someone that I don't lie and they don't believe me. Why is it hard to believe that I believe in being honest with myself and the people that matter most. Maybe its easier to express to people that I believe in integrity. It's important to me that I stand by my beliefs and that I am a person who is respected for her actions and character. I'm human, sure I make mistakes but I believe being honest about them makes me a better person...
Today I had an interview and in it I struggled with some things. I was asked to build a model of a top notch service center. How do you create programs, activities, events that will take us the next level? Show us how you'd do this or that? My mind just kept thinking about all the day to day demands of the position. That in itself was an ENORMOUS challenge. The underlying question becomes how do I keep up with that while at the same time wowing the administration with cutting edge ideas and programs. I began to see why the last person in the position was not able to succeed. He was overwhelmed with building the image that was desired and lost track of the details that create a reputation of success. You don't create a position to coordinate and assume the rest will work itself out. You work together with that person, collaborate together fully and make it a campus-wide effort. But how do you break the news to administration. A. You don't want to be perceived as lazy B. You don't want to be perceived as not being up to the challenge but C. you want to be honest and have integrity in providing the best and worst case scenario. Are they ready for that truth or are they looking for that show?
In a nutshell my question is this: Are we as a society cognizant of what honesty truly represents? Of the effort it takes to be honest? Of the costs involved to live by and truly express integrity? Or are we just looking forward to the show? Do we just wait for someone to SHOW us something that aligns with our truth:
Yes it is doable to work at two separate campuses, create events and presentations at each. Service 400 students, be available 24/7 to answer questions. Take classes to become an expert in post traumatic stress disorder, advise students, counsel and tutor them, etc, etc, etc. And did I mention I will be doing this all alone just because you made me a manager. I'm superhuman and I don't need any support.
Yes he bought you flowers, but no it can't be because he just WANTS to, because he wants to see you smile. It means that he's slept around on you, he's covering for some mistake, he's about to dump you and wants to let you down easy, etc, etc, etc.
So yes.. I value my friends opinion when he tells me I need to look big picture. Don't be naive, don't overlook the worst case BUT on the other hand I want to believed when I show you who I am, I don't want to be thought of as someone playing a game, someone who is just putting their best foot forward.. I want to be able to be honest and have you give me some credit in return...
Let me get more specific. I have a great friend who is a very outspoken and straight forward person. If you present a situation to him he will give you examples of how that situation may plays out. This friend's nature is to help you see the big picture so that you can be prepared for both a best or worst case scenario. We've had discussions on this before and I think my friend knows me well. I have a tendency to give the situation or person the benefit of the doubt, to believe it will work itself out, to have trust in human nature or timing. I do not examine the worst case scenario but with him he zeros in on it. We discussed how he's often perceived as being pessimistic and he informed me that most people don't think about the worst, their minds are not systematic in thinking...
This is really interesting to me. I often find myself discussing problems with friends and in my experience friends always want to tell you the hard truth. THEIR TRUTH, through their eyes and their experiences. Truths that to them are absolute.
"He must be lying to you because I went through the EXACT same thing and that's what I found out". "Girl those actions are just proof that (blah, blah, and blah.. fill in the blank) is going on". Maybe there is some truth to all their experiences, maybe not. Part of life is weeding out your experiences to learn what you find to be true for you.
I'm given a hard time for being open-minded to certain people and situations. Is it being naive? Maybe in some situations but maybe on the other hand it's allowing someone to be truly honest with me, to trust their character and integrity. If they're in my life at this stage in the game its because they've already showed me something substantial that allows me to trust them. I have no problem weeding out the bad seeds.
It drives me nuts when I tell someone that I don't lie and they don't believe me. Why is it hard to believe that I believe in being honest with myself and the people that matter most. Maybe its easier to express to people that I believe in integrity. It's important to me that I stand by my beliefs and that I am a person who is respected for her actions and character. I'm human, sure I make mistakes but I believe being honest about them makes me a better person...
Today I had an interview and in it I struggled with some things. I was asked to build a model of a top notch service center. How do you create programs, activities, events that will take us the next level? Show us how you'd do this or that? My mind just kept thinking about all the day to day demands of the position. That in itself was an ENORMOUS challenge. The underlying question becomes how do I keep up with that while at the same time wowing the administration with cutting edge ideas and programs. I began to see why the last person in the position was not able to succeed. He was overwhelmed with building the image that was desired and lost track of the details that create a reputation of success. You don't create a position to coordinate and assume the rest will work itself out. You work together with that person, collaborate together fully and make it a campus-wide effort. But how do you break the news to administration. A. You don't want to be perceived as lazy B. You don't want to be perceived as not being up to the challenge but C. you want to be honest and have integrity in providing the best and worst case scenario. Are they ready for that truth or are they looking for that show?
In a nutshell my question is this: Are we as a society cognizant of what honesty truly represents? Of the effort it takes to be honest? Of the costs involved to live by and truly express integrity? Or are we just looking forward to the show? Do we just wait for someone to SHOW us something that aligns with our truth:
Yes it is doable to work at two separate campuses, create events and presentations at each. Service 400 students, be available 24/7 to answer questions. Take classes to become an expert in post traumatic stress disorder, advise students, counsel and tutor them, etc, etc, etc. And did I mention I will be doing this all alone just because you made me a manager. I'm superhuman and I don't need any support.
Yes he bought you flowers, but no it can't be because he just WANTS to, because he wants to see you smile. It means that he's slept around on you, he's covering for some mistake, he's about to dump you and wants to let you down easy, etc, etc, etc.
So yes.. I value my friends opinion when he tells me I need to look big picture. Don't be naive, don't overlook the worst case BUT on the other hand I want to believed when I show you who I am, I don't want to be thought of as someone playing a game, someone who is just putting their best foot forward.. I want to be able to be honest and have you give me some credit in return...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
one day..
Ok so I just watched a love story entitled one day. I don't know what it was about it but from the beginning it had me in its clutches. I think it was the perfect movie for me to see today on the first day of the year. The day of new beginnings, the day where the old washes away and the new springs forth. There's something refreshing about the seasons, something refreshing about friendships. Seasons of change and growth and becoming what we're meant to be.
All that I'll say about this movie is that it made me think of people who've come and gone. I've never believed it's a bad thing to let go of friendships. Sometimes I think that when two people don't see eye to eye, its ok. You've had good times, supported each other and the season has come and gone. Growth sometimes requires separation. Then there's people in your life you know with all your being were meant to be around a lifetime. Their roles change, become more distant or more potent, but their very presence fills your lungs with air. I'm so very very blessed to never have felt like I am short of breath! Thank you all for that gift.
I will never regret life because I know life has made me who I am. Someone I'm proud to be and someone who values the people in her life. The ones that see me, value me, and help make me. Happy New Years to all. I love you all!!
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