love and loss

Sometimes in life you experience a loss that shakes the very ground beneath your feet, you feel like you are experiencing an alternate universe, your body numbs, your vision dims and you can't wrap your mind around it...

What I have learned in life is that love makes us all vulnerable. Loving a friend, a relative or even a partner is a risk because equally yoked with love is the risk of loss. A loss of life or a loss of reality or perspective.

Loss is never easy. There is never an easy way to cope, to move on, to find balance. It takes time, its a journey full of every emotion that exists, and more often than not those emotions come like a rollercoaster, sudden and unpredictable. At times it feels like you're climbing Mount Everest or walking the Sahara desert, heated, dizzy and confused. Other times it feels like a warm breezy day, peaceful and calm.

As hard as it is however, loss reminds us of how deep and real the love is. It let's us understand how beautiful and affecting those relationships are in our lives. Love is an ability to open yourself up; to share your innermost thoughts, ideas, goals and dreams. To learn how to explore, experience life, LIVE!! To experience selflessness, joy, beauty. To have someone witness your daily feats, milestones.. your life's legacy.

I have to admit that I have been blessed in life to have rarely experienced loss. However when I stop to think of loss, I think of it as part of my life's journey. I think of how it brought with it a love that at its best awakened me and at its worst taught me about myself; a love that served to strengthen me when I needed strength, humble me when I needed humbling, and lift me up when I needed to be lifted.

Loss comes in different shapes, color and sizes and there is never a way to sum up loss as "one size fits all". I would never claim to tell someone how to grieve loss. What I will say is that life is meant to be lived -- so live!!... Allow yourself to feel the depths of emotions that come with loss, but make steps to live and feel the richness that is LOVE once again!!!

Cuz I'm the shit...

They say that cockiness is unattractive but in the same breath they say confidence is sexy...

So I wonder what makes you cocky as opposed to confident

I got to admit, I think very highly of myself.. I find myself extremely attractive. I am tall, curious, ambitious, intelligent, comfortable in my skin, confident in my ability, easy going, funny... Did I say I look good too??

I am giving, caring, loyal, compassionate, open, understanding, friendly... Did I say I look good too??

I think my friends are lucky to have me around to lighten the mood, and help them enjoy life. I think my family see me as dependable, non-judgemental, and full of spirit. I think that a man couldn't do better than to pursue me knowing that I am all of the above but also a partner, considerate, affectionate, committed and nurturing.

Sometimes I am told "nobody loves Tara more than Tara" but this statement honestly confuses me... Why should anyone love me more?

The world can be hard. You are faced by media images of what is perceived as beautiful but lacks any root in reality. Images or words that cut to the soul of young impressionable kids. They see and are told what they should feel about themselves. They are bombarded by these things. They face emotional up and downs. They experience journeys that take them through different life stages and personality crises. I refuse to let other's opinions mold my self-perception.

My image of myself helps me slap these stereotypes in the face. I don't need someone to make me feel that I am worthy. I know I am. I know qualities of love, patience, and kindness and I recognize that beauty in myself.

So at the end of the day call me cocky, call me confidence (did I mention I look good??)... makes no difference to me and ask me if I care cuz bottom line... I'm the shit!!!

I need a shopping list

I am the kind of girl that likes to go grocery shopping without a list. When I am at the store I am moved to buy whatever looks good. Does it smell nice? Is there a potential new flavor to experience? Does is satisfy my sweet tooth or my current craving? The problem with not taking a list to the store is that I'm driven to buy things that I don't need, that I will spend ridiculous amounts of money on, that could have a high likelihood of being wasted, or that are ultimately unhealthy?

Lately I see the world of dating in the same light?

I recently polled my friends to ask them how they define attraction. I wanted to know what it is about a person that sparks an initial interest. I've recently been on a few dates where it seemed the men have practically drooled at my feet. Unfortunately however that seemed to be the extent of their desire to know me. I felt like a "trophy" that was to be nicely displayed for the enjoyment of their friends, family or simply their personal ego.

I'm reading a book that helps you assess yourself, figure out what you want in a future life partner, and learn how to be receptive and have positive life experiences. In the book the author discusses attraction as being different for everyone. In specific she discusses three examples of attraction:

-attraction = a high that you experience when your man walks into the room
-attraction = a soulful connection and a feeling of being meant for each other
-attraction = as expressed through a sense of ease, comfort or security


My experiences of late have had me thinking that for the men in question, their desires lived mostly in option number one. For me, attraction waivered between doors number two and three. Attraction to me, is measured by feeling like I have a common ground with a man. Something that comes with a deep understanding of them - a deeper connection. That attraction is made stronger by a feeling of comfort in the dialogue, myself in my skin, my surroundings, and a sense that "I won't be blindly typecast or bound in a box". That I can be free to be myself and be desired more by my character, humor, and personality than by the fact that I look good in that short, short dress.

I am not saying that having an animalistic attraction to someone is bad. Not in the slightest. I just want "more". I don't want to feel as if I am judged solely on my "public" appeal.

Going grocery shopping without a list, drives you to buy what looks good. Over the years I have tasted that thing that was sinful. But I'm finding that in this phase of my life, I need a list. Not a list of the ideal mate, with ridiculous standards and the unachievable perfect "man", but a shopping sheet that makes it known that I know what I want and that I am not looking for just any thing to throw in my cart.. Something I think men and women often so blindly do..

It is like I am buying a new car but I am also weighing all the pros and cons...

I'm assessing attraction. I am weighing what I want as far as spiritual needs. I am thinking about important financial matters, spending/saving habits, priorities. How we communicate. What his appearance says about him. How likely we are to enjoy the same activities. whether we desire the same social level/frequencies. Our ideas of families. Whether we can share a true partnership. Whether we have similar styles of affection. If we have similar "healthy" lifestyles. And most importantly if there is shared values of loyalty, honesty, commitment, respect, drive, and compassion..

Maybe it happens with age, or maybe its just me.. but as much as I might want to throw something in the cart on that whim, I find it more satisfying to shop with a list.. A list that will help me find the items that will not just nourish my pallet but most importantly help me nourish my full soul

What's your government name???

So I am trying this thing called dating.. After five long years spent mostly in a relationship, I am out on the market again.

So everyone who knows the emotions that come with a break-up knows that when you jump back in its like dipping your foot in a pool. You do it inch by inch. Eyes wide open, being reflexive of the man. Trying to be open, but at the same time being cautious. Its unfortunate but the reality is that a LOT of people aren't who they say they are. And I tell you what, I have had endless hours of amusement so far. So I thought I would do a funny list of things to watch out for in the dating game.. Without further ado:

You might be a fool if.. you date a guy who only texts you during the day -- during business hours and mysteriously disappears in the evenings and on weekends.

You might want to watch your step if... you date a guy only on preselected dates and any sense of adventure causes the guy to break out in hives.

You might want to do a double take if... you get a call for a date about an hour before the date and the brotha says "let's just kick it at home". (one of two things are happening here, either he waited for the main chick to leave.. or ummm yeah.. that brotha waited to see if anything better came along. Either way, he doesn't want to get caught out with you).

Tread lightly if... you haven't been to his house within the first month of dating...Ummm.. yeah, no other words needed.

It is probably a bad sign if...he never receives calls when you are with him or he takes the call in the privacy of another room. Phone calls with your kids, mom, siblings, friends or work can't be that "top secret"..

Flashing red lights if...the man can NEVER be found when you call... but five minutes later your phone rings (ugh see previous item on the list).

You might have found a loser if... you get a request for a sexy picture before you've even talked on the phone..

Stop and turn around if.. the man can't stop talking about his momma or you head on a first date and she's sitting there with him waiting for your arrival.

Its highly suspect if.. the brotha is sooo into you but you've yet to disclose your last name (p.s. booty calls aren't very deep relationships)

You might want to head for the hills if... his "best" friend has a tattoo on his arm of popeye as a baby with a caption that reads "fuck the world"

Be careful if... he is so much of a work-a-holic that he travels over 70% of the time (this means he's packing a bag to spend the weekend in Laveen with his main bitch)

Wait for it.. the brotha goes hiking with you and leaves you alone on the mountain..

It is probably a bad sign if.. you head out on a date and he claims to have forgotten his wallet

Drumline please... he sweats when you use his government name (on blogs, facebook, etc)

Ladies... you're welcome!! Now again, both eyes wide open... LMAO.. happy hunting!!

It wasn't me, it was the world

When life events happen, human nature orients us towards one of two directions. We either assign the cause to our personal efforts, or we claim that a bigger "outside" force is at hand. Generally we assign the good things with our efforts, our locus of control is internal. When bad happens, our locus is external.

Leaders are born, not made
Leaders are made, not born

People often succeed because they are at the right place at the right time
Success is mostly dependent on hard work and ability

Good children are mainly the products of good parents.
Some children turn out bad no matter how their parents behave.

Good marriages result when both partners continuously work on the relationship
Some marriages are going to fail because the partners are just incompatible

When I came across this self-assessment recently I thought about relationships I have had, intimate and otherwise. I remember once talking to a friend and stating how when a person is asked why a relationship fails, it will display their level of maturity. A relationship, as I have stated numerous times, is a sum of its parts. Generally a failure is due to both halves of the whole. I think it is the sign of maturity when a person can step outside themselves and claim that. However as this assessment shows, human nature works in the opposite way. If something went wrong "it wasn't me, it was the world"...

I didn't meet that deadline because I was bombarded by crazy students demanding random things
I was late for work because I got stopped at each traffic light on the way in
I failed at that test because the material was unrelated to what we studied in class
My relationship ended because she was crazy and never listened

It is too difficult, too embarrassing, too much of a shock to our perception of ourselves, our core definition of ourselves, to see the situation in any other way.

I probably could have set daily or weekly goals to meet that deadline
I should've allowed time for traffic delays
I probably should've prepared by looking at all the material, lectures and readings
I could have been clear about my needs and wants being different than hers

I think that to learn and grow we must critically examine ourselves; our experiences, our personal values, our life visions, our actions and our locus of control. We must stop and look at our contradictions and determine whether we believe that our future success, in work and life, depends mainly on circumstances we can not control, "it wasn't me, it was the world"... Or if instead, we are the masters of our own fates...

It started with a bar of soap

It started with a bar of soap... I remember clear as day, browsing through Target. I was standing in the isle about to grab a bar of the soap that I had used for years. A brand that I unconsciously purchased for no other reason than because it was what I'd seen my mom purchase throughout the years. I was about to drop it in my cart when I saw an interesting wrapped bar of soap. The label stated that part of the proceeds went to the World Wildlife Fund and when I kept reading I saw that the product was 100% natural, with no chemicals added. I remember standing in that isle for a good 15 minutes trying to decide which item to purchase. Would I go with my tradition? What did my purchase say about me? I thought about the fact that I loved nature and animals and I realized why it would be beneficial to go with the new product. Why not support those values? I had honestly never contemplated these questions.

In 2008 I met a man that by all accounts became my closest male friend. While our relationship was at times contradictory, it served a function of challenging me by forcing me to address this very question. It forced me to examine my beliefs and to think about how those beliefs aligned with my actions. He really pushed me to think critically, to learn, grow and evolve in all areas of my life.

Shortly after that, in the year 2009, I began to take classes in Sustainability. My life's goal became to consciously think about what my choices and decisions said about who I am, what I believe in, and what I strive to represent. If I stop and review past blogs, I can see my progression throughout the years.

I desire to be a woman who stands behind her values of honesty, compassion, kindness, equality, loyalty, friendship, perseverance, integrity, sustainability and the environment. At times I succeed with great skill, at times I fall a little short of the mark. I, like all humans, am a work in progress but my value comes in my sincere contemplation.

Today was a first day of one of my master's classes and it has been made clear to me that my whole purpose in pursuing this degree is to help others face themselves as well. It is to allow people to examine their daily choices, through tactics such as strategic planning, effective communication, and having empathy and understanding of a person's value, needs and priorities. Yes I believe in the field of Sustainability. The integration of human needs, economic responsibility, and the protection of the earth. We can't help fight international poverty without addressing how our desire to accumulate material wealth in the U.S. affect other nations. We can't fight water shortages without responsible agriculture practices. We have to think of the correlations of these three sustainability pillars to many every day world challenges.

However my intent in my studies have never been to force my values on someone else, instead I want to help them evolve to pursue their values, passions, and strengths. In work I want my employees to strive towards their best and recognize their strengths. In life I want my friends and family to find balance, love, and joy through their own critical examination.

I have always loved a simple quote by Ghandi which says that we have to "be the change we want to be". For me, that journey started with a bar of soap, has been fostered by some good relationships, and continues to be a daily challenge that I am excited and eager to meet!! So I will ask, what does your "bar of soap" say about you?...

I'm not a build-a-bear

I'm not a build-a-bear... Meaning I'm not the kind of woman that can be cut up into small pieces to be glued together into your model of perfection.

My eyes are big, beautiful, and watchful
My hair as wild and as free as my spirit
My hips are strong, wide, but made to grab onto
I have arms that are made to hold and support
My lips to speak wisdom and kiss away sorrows
I have a heart that is pure, giving, promises unconditional love, and refuses to be bitter
My intellect is a library of discovery
My words sincere, truth, and kindness
I have hands made to caress and protect
Laughter, joy and gratitude pour out of me
I am a sexy bitch
I am tall, I am able, and I am worthy

Yet you seem to want to tear me down.

Piece me back together with bits and pieces of others you've known..

I am a proud, I am strong, I am an independent woman who knows her values and will always remain true to herself.
I am a strong bitch, WHOLE, and what I'm not, is your fucking build-a-bear!!