mind ya businesss...

I've always been a person who self-reflects.. As a matter of fact, I'd say I can't leave any situation without

I often think about what my actions and choices say about me. I won't go so far as to say I try to be a good person because "good" is subjective. For me all that matters is that I'm living my authentic truth -- that I'm growing and learning every day. That I'm shaping my life full of my own personal convictions

I'm about to be 40 in few months and what I realized is that thus far I've lived a life I can admire...

I've accomplished the most stringent of challenges (grad school about caused me to have a stroke), and been blessed enough to travel the world (my greatest joy -- well maybe second to good sex ;).. lol). I've done work I found meaningful and in many ways rewarding...

I care about people (humanity in general but mostly friends/family, let's face it strangers can be annoying) -- I try my best in situations to act out of love. Not filtering this verb by people's actions but by the fact that they matter and I care about them in spite of and because of their strengths and weaknesses.

I live a life free of judgement -- You can own five pigs and let them sleep in your bed, you could have been a criminal in a past or this life, you can kiss frogs, practice a dominant/submissive lifestyle, make a living as an escort, or marry your sister's ex-husband if you want. Makes no difference to me. If I'm honest I'm more curious as to why people make choices than to feel a need to conform them to my standards.

Why am I writing this tonight?? I see every day people post things (some intended to be funny, some not) about other people and it just bothers me. It's almost the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. I can never ever seem to understand the purpose. I don't understand how or why people find it amusing or just to feel that their life experiences are supreme and therefore they're entitled to do anything, much less label others. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do, where you come from.. this shouldn't be your right.

The lesson of our lifetime... the lesson we still strive to teach in civil rights laws and in classrooms is that we're all just people, and we all carry within ourselves different values, morals, priorities, life experiences and histories. No two people will have the same notion of right or wrong, define life in the same way, or see the same situation thru the same lens. That's what's beautiful about the world.

Realize that all the mistakes people make are their own to make, their experiences to have, their lessons to learn, their growth to be had. And more than that, realize that they may not even view them as mistakes.

So just stop.. and before you act or speak, mind your business!!! ... lol

I think all we can do in life is act in kindness and compassion. We can't expect to have all the answers but instead be humble when we realize we don't. Life is a lesson and if we're lucky enough to live it we should do just that,... concentrate on our own living!!

this thing called love... defined by one

So the story goes like this..

You see that fine ass man across the room, you lock eyes, and then you just know... right?

That's what all the books say. You feel tingles, butterflies, the harp playing in the background, the heavens open up and wollla, as they say "the rest is history"

Is it naive to say I bought into the hype. I read the books, watched the hallmark movies, felt the blood rush through my veins and was convinced that there was a sequence to this thing called love.

But when reality struck... it was messy, it was damn ugly.. and it was me screaming at the top of my lungs about how horrible and painful this shit reallly is...

Horrible because what they don't tell you is that love can be all-consuming. What the books are right in saying is that you can be completely knocked off your feet. What they DON'T say is that you don't always lose your wind by gasping at the beauty of it. You literally knock the wind out by slipping and falling, and the shit of it is, you were paying attention to every step you took...

You see you want so badly to make the shit work because you feel like you can. You've got all the skills, you've studied all the books, movies, watched Dr. Phil a time or 2000. But like all people, you are just human and generally we all fail before we succeed.. and failure is just... well it's damn painful.

What everyone knows is that it's the first 3 months that put the stars in our eyes. It's that time when people make sure to actually listen to all their mommas told them about how to treat a woman or cater to a man. It's opening doors, it's swallowing the meal that's barely edible, it's sitting through an evening with his/her friends that make you want to stab your eye out. It's all the things we do to leave an impression.

But it's not the happy times that will bring about that joy. Its the sunshine at the end of the thunderstorm. It's the argument which leads to the most intense and eye-opening conversation. It's the growth that comes after you realize that his street single parent upbringing and your middle class two parent home, has taught you two completely different senses of reality. It's the knowledge that two can become one mind and create a world that values each other's differences.

I'm a person who has had a book in my hand for as long as I can remember. And I'm just gonna be real and say most of them had some element of love. Love always fascinated me. It was always my secret wish. It was the thing I wasn't willing to compromise on.

It just had to make me giddy. It had to make me laugh. It had to bring about tears. It had to make me FEEL.. I mean deep all the way around... I had to be moveeeddddd... And if it didn't, it wasn't what I wanted. I was happy just existing on my own. I enjoyed my own company more than being bored with someone who just checked the right boxes.

But when I found it, I realized... Damn, it's not always all you think it should be. It's not always fair, or just, or patient, or kind. It's sometimes an asshole, and sometimes a miracle. It's often a high, yet sometimes a low. It jumps inside you and digs at you, it jumps on your very damn last nerve.. but in the end when you face it, if it was real for you, you realize one very important thing, it matters. It was worth every damn day, hour, minute, and second.

Whether a lifetime or a quick blimp of a summer romance, it creates more personal lessons than anything else could possibly bring. It helps us see ourselves, it helps us see our convictions, understand our priorities, and face who we truly are. It's the tool that turns a rock into a rare gem, shining and shaping us. Helping us see ourselves a little clearer, and allowing us to step into ourselves with confidence, beauty, and gratitude.

Online dating.. the new reality?

So I'm the chick that never gets out. I do the whole work to home, home to work routine with few pit stops in between. I've never been much to go out solo to a happy hour or to socialize mid-week, so as a single, healthy, attractive woman my options to meet eligible bachelors have been few. A few years ago I enter into the world of online dating.

Online dating gets a unique rap... Some people say its unnatural, its just filled with losers and perverts, that nobody is serious, that its a set up for failure. While I get that and sometimes agree, I think to myself "well damn I'm on here and I know I'm no loser" but I got to say lately I've seriously contemplated this revolution..

Is online dating the new normal? When you're grown up and not in school, how do you meet people? When I reflect I realize I've only been approached in places outside the club at a bookstore and gas station? Men rarely speak up and approach a woman while they're out running errands... The fact is technology is the age we're currently living, people do everything online, shop, pay bills, research, read, they even order groceries through the net. Who goes out any more? Does this mean we have to wrap our minds around this new normal of online dating??

My experiences with online dating have been mixed... I've exchanged dates with some decent, respectable men. I've also met some sleezy, disrespectful idiots. Of late I seem to meet the guys that use it as a way to corral women and will ask you to meet them before you even exchange names. Maybe they're trying to quickly flip the experience to one that is more organic or old-school .. I've also found the guys that think that because I'm responding to them I'm making a bold commitment to be with them. They've claimed me and are taking me out of the single woman pond.. smdh

The thing that puzzles me the most and that honestly makes me dislike this new online revolution is the ADD (attention deficit disorder) syndrome. This occurs when a person looks at one person and begins a genuine dialogue with them (for weeks, sometimes months). However while they're doing this, they're online every day looking for more: the bigger better option. Maybe I can find a chick a little cuter, maybe I can find a chick with a body that's just a little bit better.. I recently discussed this with a friend who said that while he doesn't online date, he also practices the ADD syndrome and that the fact that its not online makes it somewhat less blatant.. In other words, the fact that these sites show you that a dude is "online today" is just what's hurting the game... Facebook shows all your dirt, dating sites show it just as much. Life is now just lived very publicly. While I understand that our age is now prone to technology, it saddens me.

It makes me sad that it is more rare than common that I feel a sense of being courted by a man because of what technology lets me see. Its sad that you can't let trust build with someone in a natural way and that instead it's common to do a quick google/Facebook search to get some dirt (and that believe it or not most men are no longer offended and instead expect it). I hate that if I do "innocently" befriend someone on Facebook, my reality is distorted and that I can no longer take things at face value because doing so will make me naive. I hate more that if I choose not to befriend someone so I can let things develop in an old-fashion organtic way, that now I have something to hide. While I am one for change and growth. I wish we could be old school about things such as manners, chivalry, getting to really know someone, and courting. It saddens me that it is veeerrryyy likely my nieces and future daughters wont get to experience that and that instead they get to have their reality be distorted by technology.

sin-ser-i-tee

Sincerity [sin-ser-i-tee]... freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness.

I add this definition because I think very few people really know the definition of sincerity. It seems that throughout the years whenever I have had a disagreement with a friend it was due to a perception of deceipt on my part.

These experiences throws me off every time because my mind doesn't live in a world of deception or hypocrisy. While my intellect might be deep, it's deep with information. It's not deep in anything else. As a matter of fact, I hate to state the truth but I am quite a "dumb blond" at times. My morning does not start by asking myself how I can make someone BE who I want them to be or DO what I want them to do. I don't try to set up the world as I want it. I try to set up the world as it should be, a place where people can be themselves and feel comfortable risking that rawness with a friend or lover. I want to support and uplift. I want to be a refuge to those who I care about. If a lover isn't what I want and need, instead of molding (or being disillusioned that I am capable of changing a whole lifetime of what defines them), I respectfully release that fish back into the sea. A world of disillusion at this stage in my life is torture, its the equivalent of a massive never ending headache. Something that those who know me well, know I want to invest little precious time or energy on. All you have to do is read my face and that reality becomes quite clear..



But today I stop to wonder why.. Why would someone imagine a person who by all accounts has shown sincerity, to be anything but.

My conclusion... I think at times we get caught up in our histories.. The histories of those that came before.. Philosopical writers such as Herman Simon would call these psychological short cuts. Their sole purpose is to help us weed through the barrage of information that get thrown at us on a daily basis.

Our internal conversations go something like this: "Why did she talk about that to her?" Oh, she must have a bottom line because you know what.. last time something similiar happened with this girl Beth and what she was doing was..."

Sound familiar? I'm sure you can fill in the blanks...

Is it normal this dialogue, absolutely. Is there anything we can do to stop it? I would say have a sincere talk but let's be honest, that conversation takes bravery. Let's face it most of us aren't brave. We are afraid of what might end up being on the other side of that conversation.

For those who know your subject well, I would implore you to tally your experiences and interactions with them. What have they done or said to show you a lack of sincerity and a deceptive nature. If the pros outweight the cons.. ok, write them off.. Move on knowing you are validated by getting rid of dead weight. Weight that will only add to a drowning, an inevitable demise. Nobody needs that energy around. It's okay, let that fool go.. I give you permission!! Some friends are meant for a moment and lesson, not a lifetime!

If instead, they've shown a great deal of civility, character and honesty. Weight that as well.. Stop and redirect that internal conversation you're having, reconfigure those psychological short cuts. Examine the definition of sin-ser-i-tee and don't trap yourself into a short cut. Instead, nurture and protect that relationship. Allow it to flourish and grow. Get your ass out of that corner, stand up straight, speak up, and be brave!! Speak words of healing and hold on to the precious gem you have in front of you.. That, my friend, is one of those rare friendship of a lifetime!

perfect girl or perfect time

So we all know right now there are two main themes in my life -- being single, and finishing graduate school. As this is my reality, I will apologize now for the one dimensional side of my recent blogs.. I was going to bite my tongue on this one but recent reflections have caused me to place the microscope, once again, on the differences between men and women when they're dating.. Some of you may find this information to be faulty and that's fine, I love an open dialogue and I never claim to have written the textbook on the opposite sex and dating.. but.. this is some good food for thought.

I have maybe in my life had a handful of relationships that I would consider substantial. The first guy didn't show up until I was nearly 22. He was a jokester and I was pulled in by his charisma.. In retrospect, I tried to convince myself of its foundation, but it was more like a house built on quick stand; unrealistic, a fantasy, a fleeting moment..

The next man courted me "hard core", he pursued, he was down to get his woman!! I tried to convince myself that I was as infatuated, but honest truth is, he annoyed the hell out of me. Nothing he did, just his whole being. While I thought he was a great guy, our aura's (if you believe in such a thing) fought daily!!

A large gap existed between him and the next. A guy who was absolutely gorgeous, a friend, someone who was always trying to please me. That ended because he didn't know himself and was trying to live in the moment. At times I didn't know what that moment was, I didn't know who or what he wanted. To this day, I believe he didn't either.

Lastly came a man that was perfect on paper. Everything I thought I wanted. Behind the scenes, not so much. You know what they say, sometimes love blinds us.. All I can say about him is that he was a lesson I needed to learn. Without him, I probably would continue to live in a fantasy of what a relationship is, not facing the actual work and responsibility that it takes.

When I contemplate all these men, and my relationships with them I notice one thing is true. Not a single one was at a place to really commit to a relationship. Their actions showed or they claimed they weren't ready, they needed to get the bigger house, or buy the car that had them looking like they had it all together. They were waiting for everything to be "perfect", there was the claim of "timing".

It's funny because I think of these experiences and those of my girlfriends, and the resulting perspective is the same. A man, by his very nature, is socialized and trained to provide. To be the protectors, the gatekeepers, the foundation. I won't claim not to admire and respect that. Fact is, that trait is sexy as hell. Biblical or not, I want a man who can make me feel safe, not only physically but financially and emotionally. I think that is an extremely admirable position to want to be in.

When I think about these men though, I think about women and our perspective on the issue. I have had many a conversation with my three (maybe four) exes. When I see my parents, or my siblings and their relationships, I see them taking that life journey together. The ups and the downs, validating, supporting, witnessing. I don't see that there ever really is a "perfect". Life is a journey, and you struggle one year, and you're on top the next. Waiting for that "perfect" has you being stuck in a position where life has passed you by...

Recently I told a friend that this experience makes me feel like men build themselves up to be in the right position and when that next "worthy" lady comes, its all game! They're ready to say "we're ready for something substantial, something concrete, maybe even for the whole white picket fence".. Before that, forget it... Women on the other hand, we look for that elusive soul mate, that person who will be all the stuff the romance books are made of. lol.. The person we can be physically attracted to, that gets us on a 1000 levels... They just want to battle the storm with that man by their side.. We fight the battle of the right man and think little about timing..

As I have said, this is my theory, and it may be wrong.. I am wondering.. what do you guys think?

why we forgive...

The past few months of my life have been difficult ones. I have faced some ups and downs in different areas of my life. I have had people I care about judge and pick apart my choices. While in no way is that easy and in some respects I might disagree I have challenged myself to be open to their viewpoints, experience and interpretations. As my family and friends know I am constantly reevaluating myself and what I do as it relates to my beliefs. I strongly believe that growth takes being humble, being open, self reflection, and the guidance of key figures (not necessarily everyone)in our lives. I have learned my mistakes in communicating and have learned when I need to speak up and be more clear in my implied and spoken messages.

I state this all to relay an experience I recently had. My lovely niece is experiencing a challenge with a friend. Someone who she loves dearly and has been an important part of her life. She was placed in a situation where this friend has shut her off and she's hurt by that. In talking to my niece not only did I relay similar experiences I have been through but I made the following statement "most people are genuinely good people. In their minds their logic makes perfect sense and they are doing the very best they can with the knowledge and experiences they hold". My mistakes in past relationships haven't been because I was bad, it has been because I was doing the best I could with what I knew at that time.

I told her that in my experience that person will want to be friends again. I told her that the most important thing we can do is to try to be open to people that are different from us, to hold our integrity, and to be forgiving.

I have had this same conversation with friends, some of whom have in turn called my naïve, but when I shared my thoughts with my niece I was recommitted to these ideals.

A child raised by an alcoholic may become one. A child abused may abuse. I honestly feel that there's a period in which that child as an adult must alter their tracks. It is our responsibility as a grown mature adult to alter our course and not excuse poor behavior. However as much as I believe this I also believe that there is a period of adjustment that this child transiting into adulthood goes through.

As a friend, as a human being it is our job to be kind and patient, to forgive. At the same time we must recognize when and where patience and kindness blurs into abuse. No one should mistake kindness for weakness and walk all over that friend.

So to my niece I say "I'm sorry sweetheart, the pain of loss or betrayal is never easy. Just remember that like you're not perfect, neither is anyone else. Try to be open, kind, patience, and forgive. Forgive but don't forget. Don't let forgiveness be defined as abuse. In the end and by its very definition forgiveness is more a healing that will uplift and carry you than something that is given as a free pass to that other person"

you're beautiful...

you're cute,
you're adorable
you're sexy,
you're sweet,
you're lovely,
you're a diamond,
you're a star,
you're my sunshine,
you're great,
you're awesome,
you're an angel,
you're unique,
I think a time or two we've heard them all.
The sentiments of our family. Or a dear friend.
The person who we call our significant other.
A colleague. A teacher. A counselor.
But nothing resonates as deep as "beautiful".
To be called that is to be seen for more than the superficial.
To be seen wholly and for more than just a pretty face.
Hearing that word has been a deciding factor for me.
It has been my barometer of feeling known...

I look at my nieces who are graduating this year and I see unparalleled beauty.
In their giving spirit, in their purity of heart, their affectionate way.
Our family has always been close and strong, but it is truly our legacy that
is the most beautiful of life's miracles.

To Laura and Desiree... You have a world full of wonder and promise. A world
that is waiting to be unleashed, enjoyed, treasured, mastered. My wish for you is
that you continue to live. Enjoy tomorrow, have no regrets, learn and blossom.
And know that no matter what happens in life that might get you down,
you both are extremely and awe-strikingly "beautiful". In life and in love,
settle for nothing less!!

Titi Tata love you girls!!! (and remember I'm always here) ;)